Prettifying The Dog

Bosco has been long over due for a hair cut by oh, about eleventy four weeks.  The boy couldn’t see.  Yesterday at lunch Avery kindly dropped pre-chewed rice chips (which were hideous; I didn’t blame her for purposely projectile vomiting them) onto the floor as a gift to Boss.  He’d usually be all over pre-chewed hideous rice chips like a Fat Kid on pre-chewed hideous rice chips, but his bangs were so long he couldn’t see his prize.  He could smell it (the delicious smell of flattened burnt rice using Sweet Mesquite Barbecue as deodorant, but failing miserably), but he couldn’t see it.  He frantically ran in circles around the shrapnel, searching the floor, “looking” up at me (or whatever it is you call it when you simply tilt your head upwards without the aid of eyes) telepathically asking for help finding the “food” (or whatever it is you call it when you flatten burnt rice and cover it with Sweet Mesquite Barbecue powder).

Side note: I use parenthesis too much.

Side note side note: I also use italicized parentheticals too much.

I made the decision about eleventy four weeks ago to take him to a new stylist.  I had been taking him to the same groomer for nearly his whole life, but lately I’ve been getting the feeling that we were no longer welcome.  Sure, they’d take our money, but only if they had to.  I could tell by their tone when I called to make an appointment.

“PAWS N’ CLAWS!!!  MAY I HELP YOU!?!?!”  Notice the many exclamation points and the caps lock?  Yeah.  You kind of have to talk like that with a room full of dogs barking, thinking it’s their Mommy calling.  RUFF, RUFF, GET ME OUTTA THIS HELLHOLE, MO-THER, RUFF.

“Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for my dog to get groomed, please,” I say as I read from my script.

“AND WHAT’S YOUR DOG’S NAME!?!?!?”

“Bosco.”

“oh…siiiiigggghhhh…when are you bringing him? (so I can fill my Thermos with Jack Daniels in the morning)”

You see, Bosco has an interesting voice.  And he’s emotional.  And he’s wiggly.  And he has an interesting voice.  Interesting in that it is incredibly high-pitched and relentless.  I can’t even properly describe how annoying it is.  And when he’s emotional (like when his mother drops him off at a strange place and then just leaves), he barks and yips and cries and whines for the duration of his stay.  Hours on end.

So, I set about finding a new stylist.  I spent weeks researching places, calling references, reading resumes, test-driving with stray dogs.  And by all that I mean I totally forgot until Tuesday when I noticed my dog no longer had eyeballs.

A new place opened up around the corner from my work a couple of weeks ago, so I called them and they had an opening for yesterday.  I gave her plenty of warning about his little…quirk.  I told her he’s never bit anyone, but that she’s going to wish that biting was his only flaw after two hours of his unique vocal acrobatics.  When she said that she was used to it because she had a little dog of her own, I said “You don’t understand anything, lady.  You will want to punch him in the throat.  Trust me.  I love him and I want to karate chop his larynx.“  But she took the appointment and I chuckled at the unsuspecting dog lady and her impending misfortune.  Sucker.  You were adequately warned.

True to form, when I dropped The Dog off, he was yipping and crying like a champ.  A champ on helium.  I’m not sure what her initial thoughts were, but I’m sure she was cringing on the inside.

Two hours later, she called me at work to tell me that he’d be done in twenty minutes.  Translation: Get Yo Dog.  He was incredibly handsome (as he always is; he’s lucky he has his looks) and smelled like a baby.  Still yipping.  She said he was a good dog, but I think she was just being polite.  He was good in that he didn’t eat her.  That doesn’t mean good; that just means she, unfortunately, can’t sue me for bringing this kind of joy into her life. 

What dog lady doesn’t know is that her reward for not complaining?  He’s coming back!  Sucker.

***

You’re a handsome devil.  What’s your name?

***

Dobby, House Elf

Bossy, House Dog

Yoda, House Jedi

Separated at birth, no?