Dear Pumpernickle Bread,
Have you ever noticed that mommy and daddy don’t stand on tables? That’s because it’s weird and dangerous. You shouldn’t do that. At least until you are tall enough. I don’t know how tall ‘tall enough’ is, but you’re not there yet, so could you ease up on the mountain climbing?
And while I’m asking for favours, would it be possible for you to stop putting everything in your mouth? You aren’t teething and it’s a little gross and, again, weird. And unsanitary. You’re going to get lock-jaw. And when you do, I’m going to be right there to say ‘I told you so’.
I know you are a monkey trapped in a little girl’s body, but do you think you could try to fit in with us ‘humans’ a little harder? Thanks. The second you start flinging your diaper at us, I’m shipping you off to the zoo. I’m serious, I’ll do it.
Love, your befuddled mother.