A moment outside of myself

Have I ever mentioned how lucky I am?  Not 23-million-dollar-lottery-winning lucky.  Not even office-bingo lucky.  No, I barely ever win contests like that.  In fact the most I’ve ever won is $10 on a scratch ticket.  Oh, I’m a dirty liar – I once won a free engagement portrait, but I didn’t cash it in because I didn’t like the photographer who was giving his services away.  He was creepy and I wasn’t using him for the wedding, so that felt slimy to me.  Like I would have just used him and tossed his creepy arse.

While I’ll never win my retirement, that I’ve come to terms with, I have been very lucky in life.  I have a wonderful husband, as Anonymous as he is, when he isn’t pushing my buttons on purpose.  We both have decent jobs that pay the bills and have afforded us our modest dream house.  I have my entire immediate family five minutes away, and we’ve all become friends in our adulthood, which is a wonderful dynamic to have.  And, as unusual as it may sound to some people, I actually like my in-laws.

But what blows me away, what makes me stop and ask myself “Is this really my life?”, is Eirinn.  I was playing with her tonight and it was almost like an out of body experience.  I felt disconnected from my body long enough to completely take in, to absorb, the scene.  It was a strange experience to step back, almost but not quite physically, and see her and I as two different people.  Strangers that I’m seeing for the first time.  And when I see us in this light, I can see where my luck has chosen to shine.  It’s in this little girl.  In her humour, and her affection, and her spirit.  We have this perfect, rambunctious, intelligent, loving and absolutely beautiful daughter.  I’m perhaps not as religious as I should be, so I don’t know if it was God or Something Else Altogether that decided that I would be a worthy parent to this child but whoever it was, I intend not to disappoint.

If someone had told me even just three years ago that one day I would have this gift of a child for whom I would sacrifice everything and anything, I may or may not have believed them.  But I do and I would.  In a heartbeat.  And that thought is, at the same time, so real and so bizarre; so wonderful and so scary.  I’m sure Anonymous Husband feels the same way.  That we are the most lucky pair in the world and all because of Eirinn.  

She is a part of us and we’re a part of her and I could not feel more grateful. 

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