Easter Bunny-ology, or How My Brain Exploded

Ok, so I’ve come to terms with the absolute nonsense that is Santa.  I’ve agreed to disagree with the logic behind the whole man behind the beard myth.  It’s ridiculous.  I get that.  Most questions relating to the big guy are best answered “Gah!  Just ’cause, ok?”  But now I have to deal with the Easter Bunny, too?  Seriously?  Whoever created these fantastical mythological characters clearly didn’t have children.  It was definitely some creepy old man with mommy issues who just wanted to mess with the rest of us for all of eternity.  He hooked Hallmark and the mass commercial market and now the rest of us are stuck trying to make sense of this nonsense for our children’s enquiring minds.

The Easter bunny was introduced to American folklore by the German settlers who arrived in the Pennsylvania Dutch country during the 1700s. The arrival of the “Oschter Haws” was considered “childhood’s greatest pleasure” next to a visit from Christ-Kindel on Christmas Eve. The children believed that if they were good the “Oschter Haws” would lay a nest of colored eggs. http://www.easterbunnys.net/easterbunnyhistory.htm

Logic Fail #1 – Listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once (please excuse the CAPS – I am yelling, but not at you): BUNNIES DON’T LAY EGGS!!!  

Logic Fail #2 – Our dear, sweet Oschter Haws/Easter Bunny is generally depicted as a male, referred to as ‘he’, wears pants, etc.  MALES DON’T LAY EGGS!!! Even those species that do lay eggs, it is the female that does so.  I’m pretty sure this is a general rule across the board.

Logic Fail #3 – CHOCOLATE ISN’T LAID, IT’S MADE!!!

Logic Fail #4 – We again also have the issue of some stranger (even bunnies are considered strangers) breaking and entering the house in the middle of the night, only this time it’s an animal, not a human.  It was hard enough to explain how this was done when the offender was a person with opposing thumbs, but a rabbit?  Who can break into a house?  We must need better security around here if it’s that easy.

I’m not even going to think about how to explain the Tooth Fairy yet, because that one might give me a brain aneurysm.  A fairy who collects children’s teeth in exchange for money?  That one is so disgusting, it makes me shiver and throw up, just a little.  Whiskey tango foxtrot, people.  Whiskey.  Tango.  Foxtrot.

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