Me vs. the cheesecake

Anonymous Husband and I are huge cheesecake fans.  Like, huge.  We love unbaked, thick crusted, cherry-but-no-chunks cheesecake.  The creamier, the better.  We know where to get the very best (in our opinion, it’s hands-down The Keg) and eating it is like a religious experience.

AH just completed a month-and-a-half long kitchen renovation, I had had a few hectic days, so I decided to whip us up one for a special treat. 

*Keep in mind – this is not my first go at making a cheesecake.  I have done this before, many times, successfully.  I credit the following to a) a very distracting 3 year old, b) the stress of trying to finish within the unpredictable confines of nap-time, and c) PMS.

Attempt #1 – I melted the butter for the crust and set it aside.  I poured milk for the Dream Whip and set it aside.  The two ingredients were of similar look (at a passing, distracted glance), amount, and they were in the same type bowl.  I then dumped the Dream Whip – my last package of Dream Whip – into the butter.  Fail.  I also whipped it for a few minutes before I even realized it.  Oblivious Fail.

Attempt #2 – Mom to the rescue, she had a package of Dream Whip.  The rest of the assembly goes off without a hitch.  Later that night, a mug of tea in hand, AH and I sat down with our slices of scrumptious-looking cake.  One bite in and I could tell there was something terribly, terribly wrong.  Two bites in and I think back to earlier…did I even take the bag of sugar out of the cupboard?  Nope.  Not a granule of sugar in the entire cake.  Not a pinch of white in the crust.  Not a dusting of confectioners in the filling.  Have you ever had a savoury cheesecake?  It’s like eating nacho dip with a fork, raspberry pie filling instead of salsa.

Attempt #3 – By this time, it was getting personal.  I was not going to let the cheesecake win.  I had been looking forward to a creamy piece of G.D. cheesecake for two days now and no one, not even the cheesecake itself, was going to stop me from getting it.  I had most of the ingredients as part of my on-hand baking supplies, except the cream cheese and the Dream Whip (see: Attempt #1), so I had to buy more.  As if it were written in some Greek tragi-comedy, they were out of Dream Whip.  I’m a stubborn S.O.B., so I decided I would improvise with Cool Whip.

Luckily, for the cheesecake-hating bastard devils sneaking around sabotaging my efforts, the end result was probably the best cheesecake I’ve ever tasted.  I’m going to ignore the fact that the crust is probably a little too crumbly and could have used a touch more butter.  Details like that are not important.  What is important is that after three attempts, three hours of work squeezed in during precious nap time, approximately $20 worth of ingredients (not including the butter, graham cracker crumbs, white sugar, and icing sugar that I regularly have on stand-by for baking emergencies), and the embarrassment of having to explain to my mom why I needed to make a third cheesecake in two days, I had a cake that was edible.  And not just edible, effing delicious.

Suck it, cheesecake.  You’ve just been pwned.


5 thoughts on “Me vs. the cheesecake

  1. lol you are funny. I adore a good cheesecake, but it has to be baked. I don’t care for the unbaked one, I don’t see the point … Milestones on Consumers has an amazing Cheesecake that’s like an out of body experience.

    There are two things I don’t share (chocolate and cheesecake – or better still, chocolate cheesecake). No matter if you’re my husband, my kids or my best friend, no amount of whining, drooling or pleading will weaken my resolve. Attempting to take some off my plate will result in bodily harm. I’m not kidding, it’s worse during PMS, then you’re not allowed to even look at my treat. Don’t even ask.

    The aforementioned Milestone cheesecake definitely falls into the category above.

    Yes, the Keg does have a good cheesecake, I’ll give you that. I prefer the denser type to the light textured ones. Never liked the fruit toppings, but chocolate … oh baby.

    The cheesecake factory makes an excellent key lime cheesecake … kind of like the PC Key Lime pie, but with cheese …

    Ok I gotta make one now, and with my hubbies’ issues, he won’t be able to share … I guess it would be cruel to eat it in front of him …

    I could always hide in the closet …

  2. ‘Kay, not so long ago my kids told me that I had been “pwned”…to which I replied “Totally Rad”. By the rolling of their eyes I realized that I was officially ancient.

    I’ve never known a mom of what-I-thought-to-be comparable age use that expression. You, my friend, are way cooler than me.

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