Anonymous Husband and I are huge cheesecake fans. Like, huge. We love unbaked, thick crusted, cherry-but-no-chunks cheesecake. The creamier, the better. We know where to get the very best (in our opinion, it’s hands-down The Keg) and eating it is like a religious experience.
AH just completed a month-and-a-half long kitchen renovation, I had had a few hectic days, so I decided to whip us up one for a special treat.
*Keep in mind – this is not my first go at making a cheesecake. I have done this before, many times, successfully. I credit the following to a) a very distracting 3 year old, b) the stress of trying to finish within the unpredictable confines of nap-time, and c) PMS.
Attempt #1 – I melted the butter for the crust and set it aside. I poured milk for the Dream Whip and set it aside. The two ingredients were of similar look (at a passing, distracted glance), amount, and they were in the same type bowl. I then dumped the Dream Whip – my last package of Dream Whip – into the butter. Fail. I also whipped it for a few minutes before I even realized it. Oblivious Fail.
Attempt #2 – Mom to the rescue, she had a package of Dream Whip. The rest of the assembly goes off without a hitch. Later that night, a mug of tea in hand, AH and I sat down with our slices of scrumptious-looking cake. One bite in and I could tell there was something terribly, terribly wrong. Two bites in and I think back to earlier…did I even take the bag of sugar out of the cupboard? Nope. Not a granule of sugar in the entire cake. Not a pinch of white in the crust. Not a dusting of confectioners in the filling. Have you ever had a savoury cheesecake? It’s like eating nacho dip with a fork, raspberry pie filling instead of salsa.
Attempt #3 – By this time, it was getting personal. I was not going to let the cheesecake win. I had been looking forward to a creamy piece of G.D. cheesecake for two days now and no one, not even the cheesecake itself, was going to stop me from getting it. I had most of the ingredients as part of my on-hand baking supplies, except the cream cheese and the Dream Whip (see: Attempt #1), so I had to buy more. As if it were written in some Greek tragi-comedy, they were out of Dream Whip. I’m a stubborn S.O.B., so I decided I would improvise with Cool Whip.
Luckily, for the cheesecake-hating bastard devils sneaking around sabotaging my efforts, the end result was probably the best cheesecake I’ve ever tasted. I’m going to ignore the fact that the crust is probably a little too crumbly and could have used a touch more butter. Details like that are not important. What is important is that after three attempts, three hours of work squeezed in during precious nap time, approximately $20 worth of ingredients (not including the butter, graham cracker crumbs, white sugar, and icing sugar that I regularly have on stand-by for baking emergencies), and the embarrassment of having to explain to my mom why I needed to make a third cheesecake in two days, I had a cake that was edible. And not just edible, effing delicious.
Suck it, cheesecake. You’ve just been pwned.