Item Not *exactly* As Described

FOR SALE:

TAKE MY KID, PLEASE:

1 (one) baby, 16 months.

1 (one) little devil (Widdle Debil, if you will), 16 months.

Wonderful eater.

Won’t let food touch her tongue, spitting it out in a spray of rejected shrapnel, preferably across the complete area of work clothing.  If food is in chunk form, it will be thrust onto the floor with the velocity of an MLB fastball.

Sleeps like an angel.

Is apparently semi-nocternal, preferring to start the day at hours starting with a 4 or 5, ending with WTF THE SUNS NOT EVEN UP, JERK.

Quiet as a mouse.

You will require earplugs, unless you like noise-induced brain aneurysms.  It’s up to you. 

Gentle as a lamb.

She’ll close-fist sucker punch you right in the mouth if you let down your guard.  Also: tends to bite and fish-hook small children.  Then laughs at their tears.

Asking $40,000.00 FIRM.  Only serious enquiries, please.  An interview is required to determine successful purchaser.  Please present three references, two professional, one personal, as well as all relevant financial records, at the time of the interview. 

FREE.  Less than free – I’ll pay you to come get her!  Tell you what, I don’t even have to meet you.  You stay where you are, I’ll send her to you.  Shipping and handling is on me.

***

Disclaimer for all the troll-bots: Of course I’m not giving the Widdle Debil away for free.  I’d at least like to get my investment back.  I KID.  Sort of.  JOKING.  Sort of.  I’m simply frustrated by how Avery has been dealing with the time change, which is to say she has not been dealing with the time change, which is to say that she has been waking up earlier and earlier every day, which is to say she’s a huge, belligerent, jerk-baby who hates me and shows said hatred by forcing me wake up at an hour no human should have to be a witness to.  Today, she was up and whining like a champ at 4:30 am.  So, Yay!  It’s 8:30 and I feel like I should be eating lunch.  Or sleeping.

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5 thoughts on “Item Not *exactly* As Described

  1. Wouldn’t it be easier to put her at the end of the driveway with a sign that says “free to good home?” 😉

    Hopefully you won’t end up in the papers like that couple who tried to “sell” their baby on eBay …

    I used to tell Lexy that I was selling her all the time when she was being bad. Finally one day in the middle of the Superstore, she shouted back “FINE!! SELL ME THEN!!”. lol

    You’ll sleep again when they’ve moved out in twenty years .. at least that’s a goal to look forward to 😉

  2. Hannah too has been up at crazy ass hours since the time change (Carson was not phased at all…he is slill waking up at 7am most days I have to wake him). Now Hannah maks up for that by waking at 5am!!!!!

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