How to get pink eye from eating too many snacks

Step #1 – Ensure your mother is a) sleep deprived, b) distracted by the screaming banshee that is the source of said sleep deprivation, c) frustrated by the injustice of it all, and d) quick to give anything to prevent the flaming cess pool that is a house with two screaming banshees.  You have to be willing to become a screaming banshee if any of the first three criteria is not met.

Step #2 – Eat three (3) bowls full of Buttery Popcorn flavoured mini rice cakes right before dinner.  Threaten transformation into screaming banshee to mother by escalating a whimper into a full fledged whine if she wavers on handing over the rice cakes.

Step #3 – When dinner is served, refuse to eat anything but the crescent roll.  Scowl menacingly at the broccoli and the mashed potatoes.

Step #4 – Turn into a melted pile of stanky, whining bratness when told to eat broccoli and mashed potatoes.

Step #5 – When given a time out, crank the whine to 10 on the dial.  While you’re at it, lose your poop.  Turn into an insane, hyperventilating, wailing mess of a child. 

Step #6 – Cry.  Cry buckets of poison tears out of your pink eye that will ebb and flow into the buckets of non-poison tears from your healthy eye.  That should do it.

There!  When you wake up in the morning (because at that point your parents will make the executive decision, based on the velocity of which you turned from a normal child into Linda Blair, that it is bedtime) you should have two gunked-up, swelled-up, effed-up eyes instead of one.  Good job!

And the moral of the story is: Don’t eat too many snacks before supper.  YOU WILL GO BLIND.


Conclusion #1: Eirinn has two pink eyes.

Conclusion #2: Avery is to blame.

Conclusion #3: Eirinn’s impending blindness is just another reason why I need more sleep.


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