Dear Catholic School Girl,
(I am just asking to be bombed with middle aged pervs trolling for porn)
I know you know it’s cold out because you’re wearing a very sensible ski jacket. You’ve remembered your mitts, which is good (your mom is probably so proud). You’re even wearing boots! Good for you! You could use a hat, but I’m not going to get nit-picky with you. At least you’ve got the other bits, right?
I just wanted to mention one tiny, teeny thing that I’m sure was a completely accidental oversight this morning. It’s about the legs. And how I can see all of them. All Of Them. The whole way up. And if I was a little shorter, or it there was the smallest of ill-timed breezes, I could most definitely see the shadow of your lady parts.
DO NOT WANT!
I know, I know. The kilt is a part of your school uniform. I know! But do you know what else I know? That pants are an option. ‘Cause your friend right there beside you, praying for still air, is wearing a pair. They look warm! You do not.
You know what else is an option? Not rolling them up at the waist until they are literally, literally, less than an inch longer than your coat. And I’m not using the word ‘literally’ flippantly. I bet if I got a ruler and measured, it would be proven that an inch is being generous. Do you think you’re fooling anyone? We all know that that is NOT regulation length.
Does your mother know you yank your skirt up that high? What about your father? Does he know that when you sit down, you are crotch-on-chair? Your pants-wearing friend there has many layers of protection between her and the seat. No one needs to wash and sanitize her chair before anyone else sits in it. Not you! You’re a one-girl skeeve machine, if you ask me.
And I’m not judging you in any other way than I can tell you are a ridiculously unsensible dresser, you don’t watch the weather channel before you get ready for school and you’re probably a whore. Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean that last one. I’ll cross it off and no one will know.
At the time that I saw you walking across the street, it was -6 degrees Celsius out (20 degrees for our American friends). NOT BARE LEGS WEATHER AND CERTAINLY NOT BARE LEGS WITH OPEN AIR ACCESS TO YOUR PRIVATE PARTS WEATHER.
I’m just going to say this once, and I hope you take it to heart because I’m only thinking of you here: If it’s cold, wear pants. If you’re concerned about your whorey reputation, there are other ways to portray your personality to people without risking your health and comfort.
Anyway, love your hair, by the way.
Your guardian angel (you’re welcome), who is feeling older and more crotchety with every passing word,
p.s. I don’t actually think you’re a whore. I can just tell that that’s what you aspire to be. Don’t. Just saying.