Just trying to help.

Dear Catholic School Girl,

(I am just asking to be bombed with middle aged pervs trolling for porn)

I know you know it’s cold out because you’re wearing a very sensible ski jacket.  You’ve remembered your mitts, which is good (your mom is probably so proud).  You’re even wearing boots!  Good for you!  You could use a hat, but I’m not going to get nit-picky with you.  At least you’ve got the other bits, right?

I just wanted to mention one tiny, teeny thing that I’m sure was a completely accidental oversight this morning.  It’s about the legs.  And how I can see all of them.  All Of Them.  The whole way up.  And if I was a little shorter, or it there was the smallest of ill-timed breezes, I could most definitely see the shadow of your lady parts. 


I know, I know.  The kilt is a part of your school uniform.  I know!  But do you know what else I know?  That pants are an option.  ‘Cause your friend right there beside you, praying for still air, is wearing a pair.  They look warm!  You do not.

You know what else is an option?  Not rolling them up at the waist until they are literally, literally, less than an inch longer than your coat.  And I’m not using the word ‘literally’ flippantly.  I bet if I got a ruler and measured, it would be proven that an inch is being generous.  Do you think you’re fooling anyone?  We all know that that is NOT regulation length. 

Does your mother know you yank your skirt up that high?  What about your father?  Does he know that when you sit down, you are crotch-on-chair?  Your pants-wearing friend there has many layers of protection between her and the seat.  No one needs to wash and sanitize her chair before anyone else sits in it.  Not you!  You’re a one-girl skeeve machine, if you ask me.

And I’m not judging you in any other way than I can tell you are a ridiculously unsensible dresser, you don’t watch the weather channel before you get ready for school and you’re probably a whore.  Oh, sorry.  I didn’t mean that last one.  I’ll cross it off and no one will know.

At the time that I saw you walking across the street, it was -6 degrees Celsius out (20 degrees for our American friends).  NOT BARE LEGS WEATHER AND CERTAINLY NOT BARE LEGS WITH OPEN AIR ACCESS TO YOUR PRIVATE PARTS WEATHER.

I’m just going to say this once, and I hope you take it to heart because I’m only thinking of you here:  If it’s cold, wear pants.  If you’re concerned about your whorey reputation, there are other ways to portray your personality to people without risking your health and comfort.

Anyway, love your hair, by the way.

Your guardian angel (you’re welcome), who is feeling older and more crotchety with every passing word,


p.s.  I don’t actually think you’re a whore.  I can just tell that that’s what you aspire to be.  Don’t.  Just saying.


18 thoughts on “Just trying to help.

    • After what I was forced to witness yesterday due to me at a stop light and her walking across the road, I felt it was my CIVIC DUTY to let her know how ridiculously slutty she looked. Sluts can dress warm, you know. No one will revoke your membership for dressing for the weather.

  1. lol the word “crotch”ety does seem to be applicable in this story …

    i hope she doesn’t have a metal chair at school – just think about her sticking to a cold metal chair … eeek! Not enough disinfectant in the world for that image!

    at least her jacket was closed, half the kids i see walking around today have it wide open – makes me shiver thinking about it …

  2. Thank you for writing that, I’ve often thought the exact same thing but wasn’t sure how to get the message across to these girls without sounding like their mother. Fashion over function is never a good idea in the winter!

  3. Are leotards not fashionable anymore? Because you can still be a short-skirt-wearing schoolgirl in leotards, non? It’s like the warmer, Canadian version of whorey.

    • Did you read up there where I said I call people hookers to get them to change their clothes? ‘Cause I’ll do it. I’ll call your six-year-old daughter a hooker if you’ll pay me to do it.

  4. Oh Jenn. I feel this girls pain and I understand the thought process. I too donned the jumper and kneesocks for twelve years and I just had a most unpleasant flashback. In the olden days, you were not permitted ANYTHING besides your underoos underneath the kilt of pain and suffering. Therefore, as you aged it was an unspoken rule that you hiked your skirt up to hooker level as a silent kick in the teeth to the nuns that had you trapped. Silent protest is the best kind. You had to endure the crack on the head after the hemline ruler checkpoints but it was SO worth it to see nuns THAT scandalized.

    • I’m sure the nuns threw buckets of holy water at her when they saw her walk through the door. How many Hail Mary’s do you have to say for going to school half naked?

      Wind burn and hypothermia. That’ll teach the nuns.

  5. Yeah, I’ve done the Catholic schoolgirl thing. Uniforms from K-12. Rolling up the skirt is like sticking it to the man. The man, in this case, being nuns. In my day, though, we wore boxers underneath, and the skirt would come up high enough to reveal 5 inches of short beneath. Because you want to stick it to the man, but you don’t want to be a ho.

  6. This post was exceleent Jen – I too have thought and said the exact same things that you have – i have seen girls like this WAY TOO MANY times!!!!

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