* “This” being this –> Read at your own risk. If you are easily skeeved out or have a loosey-goosey gag reflex, I’d still recommend you read this, just probably have a bucket or a big bowl within arms reach. M’kay? Go. I’ll wait.
(For those who don’t know me as well as you should, you should know this –> When I read that post, I fell in love. The straight kind of love, though, not the “other” kind. Not that there would be anything wrong with that, it just wasn’t that kind of love. And the recipient of my love was a funny woman named Becky who embraced the humour in being shat upon. It takes a special kind of lady to find the funny in a face full of poop-spray.)
So, tonight was kind of like that, only not so…dog-poopy.
To make a short story long, as is my specialty, I’ll give you some background. Avery hates having her diaper or clothes changed. Hates it with every fibre of her body. She kicks me like she wants to knock my teeth out. She screams like she wants the neighbours to call Child Protective Services. Hates it. Always has, since the day she was born. I don’t think I’ve had one single diaper change that wasn’t an actual physical fight.
Tonight I gave her a cookie to eat while I changed her, in hopes that the bribe and distraction would mean I could get this enormous chore done quickly. It didn’t really work. It kept her food-hole shut, but she was still roundhousing me like she meant to hurt me in my face. So I squealed like a little girl. Mostly to startle her into stopping, but also to be silly. But it worked too well. She found it hysterical.
I got her diaper changed and was putting on her jam-jams, still squealing. I stood her up as she put a huge bite of chocolate chip cookie in her mouth. You see where this is going?
SQUEEEE!!!! (that was me)
PTHBTHBTHSSSSPUH. TUH. (that was Avery) (all over my face)
I got absolutely strafed with chewed up cookie and chocolate goober shrapnel. My face, torso, hands, the carpet, my newly quaffed hair, all splattered with Avery’s cookie mush.
But at least it wasn’t poop, human or canine.