The one where I talk about killing kittens and llamas and building car towers on purpose.

Today, returning to work from my lunch of four-day-old ham and scalloped potatoes, which were surprisingly four times better than when they were when they were fresh, which is saying A LOT because they were delicious way back then but the extra four days allowed the ham to absorb the pineapple juice and the potatoes to somehow get cheesier and more magical.

Crapity.  “No blogging about what you ate for lunch”  Rule #1.  Got it.

Anyway, as I was returning from lunch, I was forced to listen to The Chemical Brothers – Block Rocking Beats, which was actually kind of awesome.  When I’m in my car I prefer to be dancing like a 20-year-old at a club.  And everyone knows that when a person is inside a car, they miraculously become invisible to the outside world, thanks to the fact that car glass is not see-through.  Just ask all those people who pick their noses at stop lights.  They know what I’m talking about.  Invisibility cloak.

Anyway anyway, so I had to listen to Block Rocking Beats because the other options on my six programmed stations were:

a)  John Mayer.

b)  John Mayer.

c)  dead air.

d)  Nickleback.

e)  Nickleback.

That’s right.  Two stations were playing the same John Mayer song and two stations were playing the same Nickleback song and one was just unnervingly silent.  The problem with my five three options are as follows:

John Mayer: I can not listen to this dude without picturing him in a banana hammock.  Do Not Want.  The image is so disgusting, it’s not even funny.  And I find a lot of disgusting things funny, people.  But not this.  This is a visual assault that will require the invention of Brain Bleach to remove it’s stain from my mind.

I will shoot this kitten in the face if you make me look at John Mayer's barely-covered-up junk one more time.

Dead Air: I don’t get a whole lot of sleep due to being a light sleeper and neurotic about my kids waking up and the dog licking his privates ETCETERA.  So listening to dead air is not conducive to my remaining awake while operating semi-heavy machinery, especially in public places.

Wut? It was part of the trick. The "Double Decker Car" trick. Shut up.

The Nickleback: Everytime Nickleback is played, God kills a llama.  And I like llamas.  They’re cute.  I don’t want to be responsible for one dying.  I can’t live with that kind of karma looming over my head.  So even if my ears didn’t bleed everytime Freddie Chad Kroeger opens his mouth, and they do, I still wouldn’t listen to Nickleback voluntarily because God will kill an innocent llama if I do.

If I die, it's on your head.

The End.


21 thoughts on “The one where I talk about killing kittens and llamas and building car towers on purpose.

  1. This was a GREAT post …I am still laughing and to be quite honest puking after seeing Mr. Mayer’s junk in his “hammock”…thanks for the visual…

  2. See…I like Nickelback. And yes, my friends mock me all the time. But it doesn’t change the fact that I like them.

    But I HATE John Mayer’s music. I don’t even know what he looks like, what with me avoiding craptastic shows like ET, ET Canada etc. etc. etc. (I’m sure I need more etc.’s given the number of these stupid shows too…). But I’m pretty sure I would feel pukey seeing his junk in a hammock. But even worse is flipping through three radio stations all playing his songs such that you have to listen to country music from the 1980’s to avoid it. That was my commute home yesterday. I understand your pain!

    And now I must leave, because all I have in my head is “Llama face” (even though that was one of the best movies ever, thank you David Spade!).

    • Are you talking about The Emporer’s New Groove? Or is there another David Spade/llama hybrid movie that I don’t know about? Because if there is, that would be SO WEIRD.

  3. Yep, Nickelback suck, he was even voted the ugliest man in rock too. John Mayer, John Smayer – bleh! I’d rather listen to Mini Pops

  4. Totally talking about Emperor’s New Groove. I spent ten minutes last night google-ing quotes from the movie after reading this post!

  5. Ughh!! Nickelback!!!

    Try driving home from Sudbury and the two hour stretch where you only get one radio station at a time and you have to keep switching every 15 minutes or so, and EVERY station plays that Gosh Darned “If today was your last day” song……..I am not exaggerating in the least….and that statement wasn’t sarcastic…and that one wasn’t a lie.

    • Ok. That last bit? With the ellipses? You’re hired to be my co-writer. And that job description states that you make funny stuff up, I steal it and use it, give you no credit, and pay you no money. And look at that! You’ve already completed your first assignment.

      Congratulations on your new job!

      Now where is that “delete comment” button so I can remove the evidence…

  6. You have to be referring to the green “Borat” hammock John donned on one of his boating extravaganzas. I’m still trying to erase that image from my mind!

    Also, I’mma start a Save the Llamas campaign.

  7. Pingback: Four Years, Seven Posts |

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