Letters To My Spam: Pt. 2

Inspired by my spam filter, that overworked son-of-a-gun, who has bravely and diligently saved my in-box from well over 20,000 spam messages to date.  Each part is just a tiny sampling of the dozens of emails I get in each subject.  

Read Part 1 here –>  Dear Russian Hookers.  

***  

Dear “Enjoy the luxuries of this life even if you are on a limited budget.  Make yourself look rich easily”, “These beautiful watches are not just time indicators, they also decorate your hand.  Get a golden watch that never lies.”, “We can share the secrets on one’s popularity factors with you!  Making money is much easier if you have the necessary look!“:  

First, I have one word for you: paraphrase.  You are wasting a lot of your time and “hard-earned” (picture obnoxious, exaggerated air quotes) money coming up with all these J. Peterman descriptions for what you’re trying to sell me.  

Here, I’ll help:  

Stolen watches  

Boom.  Done.   

No?  Try this one:  

I’ve got nothing, but if you send me your credit card number, I’ll send you this authentic 1992 florescent pink plastic Swatch watch I’ve been wearing.  It’s a little sweat stained, but it sort of works if you shake every couple of hours.  Don’t smell it, I’m telling you now.  GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.  

Wanna buy a watch? No? What about a ham radio? A Russian bride?

I’m not exactly sure what kind of deal you’re running here, whether there really are watches available for purchase or if you’re just trying to swindle my money, but I’m not interested.  I’ve got a watch; sure the face is a little scratched, but it works just fine and I like it.  And most importantly, it was purchased legally.  In a store that issues receipts and everything.  I’m fancy like that. 

And also, what kind of message are you sending to the youth of today, saying that you need to wear “designer” (again with the air quotes) accessories to be popular and successful?  Not a very good one, if you ask me.  We should be telling them that it doesn’t matter what you wear on the outside, it’s what you wear on the inside that counts.  Like honesty and integrity and strength of spirit.  Obviously these are qualities you possess, so you should be leading by example. 

And also², you have watches that don’t lie?  Does that mean that there are watches that do lie?  Do you mean that they work?  Like the watches that fail to keep time are actually lying to us?  Those bastards!  I never thought of it that way.  Thanks for enlightening me, but I still think you’re a scheister. 

And also³, are you saying that when I walk down the street wearing one of your little gems people will just throw money at me?  Making money will be that easy?  Really?  Because they already have people like that and those people are called homeless.  I’m not so sure that’s a look I’m going for.  But if I change my mind, I’ll know where to get the perfect watch to accessorize my homeless lady outfit with. 

In summary: not interested.  

Your new friend,  

Jen O.  

p.s.  Also not interested in designer purses for real cheap, so stop asking.