Letters To My Spam: Pt. 3

Inspired by my spam filter, that overworked son-of-a-gun, who has bravely and diligently saved my in-box from well over 20,000 spam messages to date.  Each part is just a tiny sampling of the dozens of emails I get in each subject.  

Read Part 1 here –>  Dear Russian Hookers.  

Read Part 2 here –> Dear Watch Pimps.

***

Dear “Mr. Thomas Adeniran Federal Bureau of Investigation“:

Thank you for bringing to my attention the $5.8 million debt that apparently the country of Nigeria has racked up from me personally and has failed to repay.  Funny, you’d think I’d remember making out a cheque of that size, especially given that I’m not often in the habit of relieving the national debt of foreign countries.  Hmm.  We’ll blame Mom Brain. 

Let me clarify: you say that I will be able to get my money when you issue me a custom pin-based ATM card which I will use to withdraw up to $10,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it?  Also with the ATM card I will be able to transfer my funds to my bank account?  And the ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten me about how to use it?  That sounds so simple! 

Now, I’m no fool.  Who exactly will be responsible for the insurance and federal tax documentations?

Oh, nevermind.  I read a little further and you say that for just $100 to cover the insurance and tax, we can get the ball rolling on this little ($5.8 million) transaction?  Sounds like a deal!

I appreciate you sending me a list of people who can confirm receiving their payments, along with their tracking numbers from FedEx and/or UPS.  I’m a little confused as to why they would have a tracking number, given that it’s 2010 and probably the easiest way to transfer money is by wire and not in a cardboard box filled with unmarked twenties.  But who am I to judge?  You’re just doing your job and setting me up with some references, right?

It was also a very good idea to give me the name of the Director of Payment.  This must be legit if there is a Director of Payment.  And the fact that he’s a Reverend?  I super-trust you now.  Reverends don’t ever lie and would never try to finagle money from anyone.

And of course I will keep this transaction a secret until after payment.  **wink, wink**  **mouth-zip**  **throw-away-imaginary-key**  I’m like a vault.  A bank vault, with $5.8 million coming my way. **wink**

Now, who do I send that $100 to? 

Your new friend,

Jen O.

p.s. – Pretending to carbon copy the National Central Bureau of Interpol* by just typing “CC: National Central Bureau of Interpol” at the bottom of the email, makes it super official.  Nice touch.

***

* Surprisingly, totally an actual real thing.

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11 thoughts on “Letters To My Spam: Pt. 3

  1. The “q” you put in “check” is so fancy I keep expecting you to offer me tea and crumpets while we watch a polo match or a fox hunt or a historical recreation of a Victorian era Gang-bang.

    • I actually was drinking tea when I wrote “cheque”. We’re all kinds of fancy up here in Canada. Until you pointed it out, I didn’t realize that Americans spell it “check”. Weird.

      • Canadians also add all kinds of letters to otherwise perfectly imperfect words.

        For example:

        Americanese: Canadianese:
        Check Cheque
        Jewelry Jewellery
        Focused Focussed
        Color Colour

        It’s a Canadian thing, eh.

  2. becky, our pronounciation is even worse, eh:

    American: Canadian:
    FoYER FoYAY
    Soda Pop
    SportAGE SporTAAGE
    Sofa Couch

    So bascially a sentence in American would be: I entered my FoYER with a Soda after parking my SportAGE and sat on the Sofa.

    In Canadian: I entered my FoYAY with a Pop after parking my SporTAAGE and sat on the Couch, eh.

  3. Pingback: Letter To My Spam: Le Grande Finale. «

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