Stuff I did when I was a kid that I shouldn’t be bragging about on the Internets.

Not in chronological order.  Although, now that I say that I really wish I had typed this in chronological order.  But my laziness far out ways my desire for accuracy, so there you go. 

  • I was incredibly jealous of kids with braces.  They were so cool with their coloured elastics and how they made you talk all shushy and spitty and how you had to curl your top lip over them after you smiled.  So I crafted my own retainer from a paper clip and wore it to school.  And tried to convince everyone that it was real.  This went on for months.  I don’t think they bought it.

I need this for my overbite. Doctor's orders.

  • In grade 2, I weaseled my way into being allowed to eat candy in class.  I had been away sick for a few days and during my absence, discovered the joy that was Starburst.  When I returned, I told everyone, including my teacher, that Starburst was my medicine.  Somehow the teacher fell for it.  Either that or she was then on convinced I was one of her “special students” and let me have the candy out of pity.

No, I will not share my medicine with you.

  • I killed a dog once.  I was with a bunch of kids crossing the highway in the middle of cottage country to get to the video store.  The dog was following me.  I said “Hey [insert any dog-type name because I don’t remember it]!  Stop!  Go home!”  But the dog was just a puppy and didn’t follow instructions very well and crossed the road instead.  Then a car hit the poor dog.  He didn’t make it.  Not my finest moment.
  • I once met a kid on the street.  Like all kids, we hit it off and decided we were besties.  Except we both already had besties, so we chose to be cousins.  Heck, in my town most people are related anyway.

  • On this same street, there were these two boys.  One tall blonde boy and one short brunette.  One day they invited a bunch of us younger kids over to the blonde guy’s house into his basement where they had chairs set up like he was conducting a seminar.  At this seminar, they served refreshments.  They told us that if we didn’t drink the glasses of … poison?  pee?  laundry detergent? … that they’d hang us from the ceiling by our thumbs.  I’d like to think that I would have been smart enough to leave, or at least to not partake, but somehow whenever I think of it, I get a funny taste in my mouth.  Also, I’m not sure, but I think I became close friends with the brunette in high school.
  • I once ran away from home with nothing but a single Gummi Bear and a penny.  I had optimistic views on the world economy.

The orange one was to be my savior.

  • One of my friends in public school had a terrible speech impediment.  I was so jealous (of course I was).  So I pretended I couldn’t say random words.  On one hand, how racist of me to make light of her obvious disability.  On the other hand, I was honest-to-goodness enraged with jealously that she had trouble with pronunciation and I didn’t, so who’s the disabled one now?
  • When I was a wee tot, I went swimming in my diaper.  Not one of those fancy swim diapers they’ve got now; an ordinary sponge-diaper that will expand to the size of Utah given just the right amount of water.  After swimming, I decided it would be great fun to climb our antenna.  You know, the old triangular ladder type?  Part way up I got wedged in the center with nothing but an overly inflated diaper stopping me from going up or down.  I’m not sure why I remember this.  Unless I was in diapers until I was 5.  Who knows.

Sign me up.

  • On a trip to Florida, my parents packed a potty.  My sister was two and potty training, the drive was two full days, so of course they packed a potty.  I was 6 and saw an opportunity.  No disgusting Welcome Center toilets for me!  My dad, the driver, pulled over and I used the potty, with permission of course.  I had asked if I could use the potty, but I had failed to mention that it was #2 business, not the much-less-offensive-in-confined-spaces #1, that I had to go.  Meh.  Their fault for not asking me to specify the root of my potty need.  Let’s just say the remainder of the car ride was fragrant.
  • I peed my pants walking home from school once.  I was 12. 

This is just a smackeral of embarrassing little anecdotes with me in the starring role.  You should hear about high school.  High school was wicked awesome.  And I wonder why the source of my social anxiety remains a mystery.  When I write it out in list form, it seems pretty obvious to me.

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14 thoughts on “Stuff I did when I was a kid that I shouldn’t be bragging about on the Internets.

  1. Omg, this is brilliant! I love this list! Especially the gummy bear and penny incident. I still might try that one out. 😉 Oh, and I was totally jealous of kids with braces too. Especially when they had neon rubber bands.

    • My nest egg didn’t get me far. Down the street, I think. Then I got hungry and ate the Gummi Bear. And I probably dropped the penny down a sewer grate because for some reason, I always handled the important stuff over sewer grates.

  2. Good blog. I, too, was painfully jealous of the self righteous braces and headgear club.

    Can’t eat gum because of your braces?? Lucky assholes, everyone loves you.

  3. Also.. I kissed my cousin Brian once when I was 9. Just a peck on the cheek and it was specifically to torture him- NOT because I had a crush on him. He wouldn’t let me be Mario and it was the worst thing I could think of to do to him… So I chased him down and caught him. Then, as it was all happening, my older cousin’s girlfriend walked around the corner and the entire fiasco was completely misunderstood. I had to sit through a lecture on why it’s inappropriate to love your relatives like THAT. Who said it was ‘like THAT’? huh? Assholes. I’ve never spoken of it until now.

    Then my husband ran away with my brother’s wife a few years later. So basically I’m plagues with incestuousy situations.

    I swear I’m not a horrid hillbilly.

  4. Honestly? You helped kill a dog too? What are the odds that we have that in common. It haunted me for a long time because the owner came out and dragged the dog up his driveway by one leg, even though the driver offered to help carry it.
    On a happier shared memory, I ran away from home too. My parents refused to buy me a hot pink tie dyed t-shirt to wear to a birthday party. I ran all the way to the edge of the property and hid in a tree. My fluorescent orange socks gave me away.

    • I know, the dog thing sucked. A lot. It was a cousin’s dog and my mom took it to the vet’s in our car, but the poor little thing didn’t make it. If I wasn’t 10 at the time, I probably would have felt even worse, but it still was a low point in my life.

      I don’t think I had a reason to run away. I think it was probably just the cool thing to do. What simple times we lived in…

  5. When I was 9 there was a conversation on the bus ride to school about where people were born. And believe it or not, there was a girl that was born at home (in the ran-out-of-time way)…Jen, I understand being jealous of bizarre things…I. Was. So. Jealous. To me that was such a cool story.
    At that time I was fascinated by my Dutch heritage. For a second it crossed my mind to lie and say that I was born in Holland. Though, I wasn’t sure if foreign country trumped front hallway — and I liked being Canadian too. Desperately wanting a cool story,while not totally forsaking my citizenship, what did I come up with? Surely, a plane trumps a hallway. Yep. I was born on a plane half way between Holland and Canada.
    Do you know years later one of the girls asked me about it? Not in a remember that time you fed us a bunch of BS sort of way, but more in a weren’t you born on a plane sort of way? I was mortified and admittedly stunned that she bought it. So I lied again…I told her she must be mistaken, that it wasn’t me. Although she was the one born in a hallway.

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