Not in chronological order. Although, now that I say that I really wish I had typed this in chronological order. But my laziness far out ways my desire for accuracy, so there you go.
- I was incredibly jealous of kids with braces. They were so cool with their coloured elastics and how they made you talk all shushy and spitty and how you had to curl your top lip over them after you smiled. So I crafted my own retainer from a paper clip and wore it to school. And tried to convince everyone that it was real. This went on for months. I don’t think they bought it.
- In grade 2, I weaseled my way into being allowed to eat candy in class. I had been away sick for a few days and during my absence, discovered the joy that was Starburst. When I returned, I told everyone, including my teacher, that Starburst was my medicine. Somehow the teacher fell for it. Either that or she was then on convinced I was one of her “special students” and let me have the candy out of pity.
- I killed a dog once. I was with a bunch of kids crossing the highway in the middle of cottage country to get to the video store. The dog was following me. I said “Hey [insert any dog-type name because I don’t remember it]! Stop! Go home!” But the dog was just a puppy and didn’t follow instructions very well and crossed the road instead. Then a car hit the poor dog. He didn’t make it. Not my finest moment.
- I once met a kid on the street. Like all kids, we hit it off and decided we were besties. Except we both already had besties, so we chose to be cousins. Heck, in my town most people are related anyway.
- On this same street, there were these two boys. One tall blonde boy and one short brunette. One day they invited a bunch of us younger kids over to the blonde guy’s house into his basement where they had chairs set up like he was conducting a seminar. At this seminar, they served refreshments. They told us that if we didn’t drink the glasses of … poison? pee? laundry detergent? … that they’d hang us from the ceiling by our thumbs. I’d like to think that I would have been smart enough to leave, or at least to not partake, but somehow whenever I think of it, I get a funny taste in my mouth. Also, I’m not sure, but I think I became close friends with the brunette in high school.
- I once ran away from home with nothing but a single Gummi Bear and a penny. I had optimistic views on the world economy.
- One of my friends in public school had a terrible speech impediment. I was so jealous (of course I was). So I pretended I couldn’t say random words. On one hand, how racist of me to make light of her obvious disability. On the other hand, I was honest-to-goodness enraged with jealously that she had trouble with pronunciation and I didn’t, so who’s the disabled one now?
- When I was a wee tot, I went swimming in my diaper. Not one of those fancy swim diapers they’ve got now; an ordinary sponge-diaper that will expand to the size of Utah given just the right amount of water. After swimming, I decided it would be great fun to climb our antenna. You know, the old triangular ladder type? Part way up I got wedged in the center with nothing but an overly inflated diaper stopping me from going up or down. I’m not sure why I remember this. Unless I was in diapers until I was 5. Who knows.
- On a trip to Florida, my parents packed a potty. My sister was two and potty training, the drive was two full days, so of course they packed a potty. I was 6 and saw an opportunity. No disgusting Welcome Center toilets for me! My dad, the driver, pulled over and I used the potty, with permission of course. I had asked if I could use the potty, but I had failed to mention that it was #2 business, not the much-less-offensive-in-confined-spaces #1, that I had to go. Meh. Their fault for not asking me to specify the root of my potty need. Let’s just say the remainder of the car ride was fragrant.
- I peed my pants walking home from school once. I was 12.
This is just a smackeral of embarrassing little anecdotes with me in the starring role. You should hear about high school. High school was wicked awesome. And I wonder why the source of my social anxiety remains a mystery. When I write it out in list form, it seems pretty obvious to me.