I don’t win anything.

You know those people who are all “I don’t win anything!” only they’ve just won something like a car or a trip and that basically makes them liars? 

Well, I don’t win anything.  Mostly I don’t win anything because I never bother trying to win anything.  I don’t buy lottery tickets because I won’t win.  But if I don’t buy any tickets, that pretty much guarantees that I won’t win, so we’ll chalk that one up to Self Fulfilling Prophecy.

I occasionally do scratch tickets, but not because I think I’ll win.  Because I don’t win anything.  I play those because you get to play a game anyway and if you win (not me, but maybe you) it’s like a bonus.  Plus I like that silver dusty scratch-offy stuff underneath my thumb nail.  Zawesome.

I don’t enter draws at trade shows or on-line because I don’t win anything and I also don’t like gift wrapping my private personal information and handing it over to telemarketers and spambots, all willy-nilly.

I don’t enter myself into any sort of award-type vote-based situation because not only will I not win anything, but my self esteem can’t take that kind of steamrolling.  Again.

A long time ago, way back in November, I wrote a piece for the gub-ment through Mom Central.  I wrote it not for the free swag or the kickbacks or the fame and glory.  I did it because I’m always looking for stuff to write about and I thought people might find what I had to say on the subject kind of funny.  Or at least I thought what I had to say was kind of funny and that’s good enough for me.  I’m my biggest fan.

I had completely forgotten about it until last Thursday when I got into work to find an email from one of the Mom Central boss-ladies.  The subject of the email was “H1N1 Netbook Winners!”  At first I was all “Gross.  Netbooks infected with H1N1?  That’s gross.” and I laughed and laughed at how witty I am. 

And then I thought “How rude of her to email everyone to tell us that we didn’t win.  Obviously I didn’t win, because I don’t win anything, so she didn’t have to rub it in my face by telling me who did win.  Rude.”

And then I thought, “You know what?  She took the time to email us, I should at least show her the courtesy of reading it.  Maybe someone I know won and I can congratulate them for being such an awesome suck up a lucky person.”

So I read the email and it sort of sounded like boss-lady was talking to me directly.  Like rubbing it in my face that I, specifically, didn’t win.  Appalling.

No, wait a minute.  She was talking directly to me.  I had won a netbook computer.

Get the F**K out.  B***s**t.  I don’t win anything.

But I had won.  I won an Acer Netbook computer.  I had been entered into a draw because I had written that post about my office smelling like someone had killed a guy and was keeping his rotting corpse in their filing cabinet.  Get the F**K out.

Kharma being the sweet little lady that she is, this windfall comes just two months after I bought a laptop.  Of course I just bought a laptop.  But I don’t care.  I won and I never win anything and it’s mine, all mine, suckers.  I went from zero laptops to one and three quarters laptops and I’m going to be all greedy-pants about it and not share* because I don’t win anything and I won this fair and square based on pure luck that has evaded me my entire life, contest-wise, and culminated into ME winning THIS. 

And I’m not going to let this go to my head or anything, but since winning this netbook half a week ago, I’m now convinced that Canada won the hockey game because I watched and that we didn’t win the LottoMax $50 shmillion because I wasn’t the one who bought the ticket.  And also because I would have probably bought a Lotto Max ticket instead of a 649 ticket when hoping to win a Lotto Max drawing, but that’s just me.  Bazinga.

But we wouldn’t have won it anyway.  Because I don’t win anything.  Except I suppose, apparently now I do.  And that makes me gigantic liar.

A gigantic liar with a brand new netbook, which will be shipped in approximately “a couple of weeks.”

* Ok, so maybe I’ll share a little bit with my family.  But only because if I don’t, they’ll all sit on me and fart until I cave.


11 thoughts on “I don’t win anything.

  1. I won a jack-o-lantern once. Also, my Mom was, at the time, in her peak of crazy Pentecostal and didn’t let us celebrate Halloween. She wasn’t totally evil and let me keep it, though. How I cherished it. My jack-o-lantern. It was a sign that I would someday grow up and be evil, like I have.

    That’s a pretty sad story- And also why I go completely overboard celebrating Halloween with my kids.

  2. Yay congrats Jen! You deserve to win something! There was this one time I won a DELICIOUS chocolate! Boy was it nummy!

  3. See, I’ve won a tonne of stuff lately, on twitter and whatever. BUT I DIDN’T WIN THE DAMN NETBOOK LIKE I WANTED TO FOR MY POST. Damn you. Also, huge congrats!! 🙂

  4. Congratulations! And good going with the hockey game thing too – Canada totally owes you now.

    I won some tickets to a rodeo once when I was a kid by being the something-or-other caller on the radio. We went, but the clowns scared me and we had to go home.

  5. I always worry that if I ever do win the lottery, I’ll end up with the $100K prize, effectively eliminating my chances of ever winning the big check. All the same, congrats!

    • Aw, crap. You’re right. I just wasted my one win on a computer instead of a giant billion dollar lottery. Oh, well. At least I know better than to be disappointed.

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