You know those people who are all “I don’t win anything!” only they’ve just won something like a car or a trip and that basically makes them liars?
Well, I don’t win anything. Mostly I don’t win anything because I never bother trying to win anything. I don’t buy lottery tickets because I won’t win. But if I don’t buy any tickets, that pretty much guarantees that I won’t win, so we’ll chalk that one up to Self Fulfilling Prophecy.
I occasionally do scratch tickets, but not because I think I’ll win. Because I don’t win anything. I play those because you get to play a game anyway and if you win (not me, but maybe you) it’s like a bonus. Plus I like that silver dusty scratch-offy stuff underneath my thumb nail. Zawesome.
I don’t enter draws at trade shows or on-line because I don’t win anything and I also don’t like gift wrapping my private personal information and handing it over to telemarketers and spambots, all willy-nilly.
I don’t enter myself into any sort of award-type vote-based situation because not only will I not win anything, but my self esteem can’t take that kind of steamrolling. Again.
A long time ago, way back in November, I wrote a piece for the gub-ment through Mom Central. I wrote it not for the free swag or the kickbacks or the fame and glory. I did it because I’m always looking for stuff to write about and I thought people might find what I had to say on the subject kind of funny. Or at least I thought what I had to say was kind of funny and that’s good enough for me. I’m my biggest fan.
I had completely forgotten about it until last Thursday when I got into work to find an email from one of the Mom Central boss-ladies. The subject of the email was “H1N1 Netbook Winners!” At first I was all “Gross. Netbooks infected with H1N1? That’s gross.” and I laughed and laughed at how witty I am.
And then I thought “How rude of her to email everyone to tell us that we didn’t win. Obviously I didn’t win, because I don’t win anything, so she didn’t have to rub it in my face by telling me who did win. Rude.”
And then I thought, “You know what? She took the time to email us, I should at least show her the courtesy of reading it. Maybe someone I know won and I can congratulate them for being such an awesome suck up a lucky person.”
So I read the email and it sort of sounded like boss-lady was talking to me directly. Like rubbing it in my face that I, specifically, didn’t win. Appalling.
No, wait a minute. She was talking directly to me. I had won a netbook computer.
Get the F**K out. B***s**t. I don’t win anything.
But I had won. I won an Acer Netbook computer. I had been entered into a draw because I had written that post about my office smelling like someone had killed a guy and was keeping his rotting corpse in their filing cabinet. Get the F**K out.
Kharma being the sweet little lady that she is, this windfall comes just two months after I bought a laptop. Of course I just bought a laptop. But I don’t care. I won and I never win anything and it’s mine, all mine, suckers. I went from zero laptops to one and three quarters laptops and I’m going to be all greedy-pants about it and not share* because I don’t win anything and I won this fair and square based on pure luck that has evaded me my entire life, contest-wise, and culminated into ME winning THIS.
And I’m not going to let this go to my head or anything, but since winning this netbook half a week ago, I’m now convinced that Canada won the hockey game because I watched and that we didn’t win the LottoMax $50 shmillion because I wasn’t the one who bought the ticket. And also because I would have probably bought a Lotto Max ticket instead of a 649 ticket when hoping to win a Lotto Max drawing, but that’s just me. Bazinga.
But we wouldn’t have won it anyway. Because I don’t win anything. Except I suppose, apparently now I do. And that makes me gigantic liar.
A gigantic liar with a brand new netbook, which will be shipped in approximately “a couple of weeks.”
* Ok, so maybe I’ll share a little bit with my family. But only because if I don’t, they’ll all sit on me and fart until I cave.