Letter To My Spam: Le Grande Finale.

Inspired by my spam filter, that overworked son-of-a-gun, who has bravely and diligently saved my in-box from well over 22,000 spam messages to date.  Each part is just a tiny sampling of the dozens of emails I get in each subject.  

Read Part 1 here –> Dear Russian Hookers.  

Read Part 2 here –> Dear Watch Pimps.

Read Part 3 here –> Dear Mr. Thomas Adeniran, Totally Legit FBI Agent. 

***

Dear “ALL OF MY SPAM, EVER.”

I don’t want to talk to you.  I don’t want to exchange dirty pictures with you.  I don’t know where you’re from and why you want to leave there.  I don’t want to date you or marry you or sponsor your green card or whatever.  I did not post my profile anywhere, so I don’t know where you’re getting your facts from.  I’m sure you’re a very nice Russian girl, but I’m a married, straight woman who has no interest in the mail order briding industry.  Oh, and “I can do for you is – what can not no girl!” is not a sentence.  FYI.

Move along.

I don’t want to buy any of your merchandise, authentic or replica.  I own everything I intend to own and if I wanted something else, I’d probably go to a store or the mall or somewhere where I can purchase it legitimately.  Oh, and this – “Even if you have a few girlfriends, you can get decent watches for all of them!” – doesn’t appeal to me at all.  Just so you know.

Go away.

I’m no rocket scientist or brain surgeon, but I’m pretty sure that if I’ve never met you, you have no intention of giving me any money, let alone millions of dollars.  I will not be giving you my:

1) NAME IN FULL
2) FULL POSTAL ADDRESS AND NAME OF WHERE I AM WORKING
3) PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER
4) RECEIVING BANK INFORMATION
5) A SCAN COPY OF MY IDENTIFICATION CARD (eg. INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT/DRIVERS LICENCE)

because that sounds sketchy to me.  That list provided above seems to be the exact information needed to either a) find me where I work, hide out in an alleyway until it’s hometime, gag me from behind, drag me back behind the dumpster, rape, bludgeon and leave me for dead, or b) steal my identity and all my money.  Probably the latter, but I’m not going to risk either, so I say “no” to both options.

Piss off.

I am not equipped with anatomy that requires medicinal aide to function properly.  I live in Canada and have a pretty rocking benefits package at work and the sum of the these two factors is me never having to pay for any pharmaceutical drugs, ever.  I don’t need any of your semi-illegal/totally-illegal drugs AT ALL.  The last pill I took was an Advil about 6 months ago for a headache.  And that was a one-off.  My body parts and the body parts of everyone in my household are functioning just fine.  Knock on wood. (brrrump bum).

Leave me alone.

I don’t gamble.  As I said yesterday, I don’t win anything (usually), so that kind of rules out the thrill factor in gambling.  There’s no “maybe this time…”  I’m not going to go to a real, live casino to throw my money away, why would I do it on-line.  That’s just stupid.

Harass someone else.

To all my spam – past, present, and future –

  

  

  

I’d like to say “I hope to never see you again,” but I know you’ll be around soon.  In fact, you’re probably all up in my mail box right now, clogging the gears, not listening to a word I just said.  Just know you weren’t invited and you’re not welcome to stay.

Your new friend,

Jen O.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Letter To My Spam: Le Grande Finale.

  1. I don’t know. That ” I can do for you is-what can not no girl” line has been working for me so far even with the weird english.
    I wish I could cajole my cat into giving the finger. My kids do a pretty good job with the gesture but the cat gives it a certain gravitas.

  2. Just for you, your wildest dream I can make it come tru! Just how you like for miracle pill makes me happiness if you want to know how with the secret and I will make it happen for it the sexy ladies.

Talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s