I love my children. I love my children. I love my children.

So I have these two kids.  Brilliant, gorgeous, hilarious kids. 

One of them just turned four and the other is just over a year and a half.  The older one is daytime-potty trained.  The little one can do a fantastic Jack Nicholson impression

You’ve never seen blue eyes like these two have – one gray-blue the colour of much-loved blue jeans, the other liquid blue the colour of a shallow lake. 

They’ll make you laugh when you least expect it and amaze you when you don’t see it coming.

The taller one is a fantastic ballerina, when she can manage not to fall.  The shorty can rock a hip hop beat like nobody’s business.

They’ll crush your heart with sweetness – hugs and kisses and ‘I love you’s’ all day.

They’re the greatest thing that could ever happen to you.  You’d be lucky to spend even one day with them.

Do you want them?

‘Cause I’ll cut you a deal.  Two for the price of one?  What’s the going rate for kids these days?  I’ll give you a twofer and throw in a slightly used dog.

Because the big one?  Won’t stop crying, screaming hysterically, really, about everything and anything.  It’s actually getting kind of funny, but not quite, so do you want her?

And the small one?  Has decided spitting in mommy’s face is the most entertaining thing ever.  And also enjoys headbutting said mother in the teeth.  The very expensive, purchased teeth.  You can have her.

And the first born turned 4 on the weekend, on paper, but she’s more like 15 and I don’t like it.  Backtalk, eye-rolling, hands-on-hips attitude.  Take her.  Please.

And the second born wants to do everything herself.  “Avery DO IT.”  She wants to get herself dressed, despite her inability to get herself dressed.  She wants to change her own diaper, poopy diapers, despite not realizing how utterly disgusting poop on her hands really is.  I’ll pay you cash money to remove her from my house.

Noooo, not really.  I love my children (I love my children, I love my children, I love my children).  I miss them when I’m away for even a couple of hours.  I would die without them.  They are my light and my heart and my life.

But, seriously, kids.  Smarten.  The eff.  Up.  Or I’ll sublet your rooms to questionable exchange students and leave you out on the streets with nothing but a change of clothes and a bag of fishy crackers and not bat an eye.  Because I can.

I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD; I CAN TAKE YOU OUT OF IT.  Or something.

Just stop being so mean to your mommy.  You’re starting to hurt my feelings.

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28 thoughts on “I love my children. I love my children. I love my children.

  1. LOL LOL LOL!!! I’m sorry but the “change of clothes and a bag of fishy crackers ” totally made me LMAO!! So cute!

    Okay that was the laughing part. Now for the “you’re not alone” part. Ugh, Owen I first must say had a wonderful Dec, Jan and half of Feb. Sometime in around the middle of February the moon shifted 0r the earth fell off it’s axis or God only know what happened because since the middle then, Owen has been horribly stubborn, whiney, grumpy and just not fun to be around. At. All. I don’t know if this kid goes by dates or what but bring on April and maybe he’ll revert back???

    I think I will stand Owen there with your girls with a “change of clothes and a bag of fishy crackers” and they can all fend for themselves. I’d send Aleah to maybe look after them but she is being really good right now so she stays.

  2. I never drank coffee until I had Greyson. Now I need at least one in the morning. At least. And often one in the afternoon. I’d prefer a glass of wine or something fruity with gin, but as a stay at home mom who looks after the children of Catholic school teachers and CAS employees I think daytime drinking would be frowned upon.

  3. I know a nice Lithuanian couple who will take them off your hands for 50 Kopecs. That’s the going rate when I enquired about selling mine. Really, it’s an excellent deal when you think of it….

  4. I like to say, “You be nice to mommy and mommy will be nice to you.” It’s just something I say, more to myself, it actually does no good at all. Go with doodlesmom’s suggestion, I hear Lithuania is lovely in the Spring.

    • I said (almost) the same thing to Eirinn, only she told me to stop yelling at her and I told her that I’m only yelling at her because she’s yelling at me. Yeah, it got kind of loud in our house last night.

  5. You do a great sales job for them but I think I’ll have to pass. Could I borrow your dog though, he’d be helpful in cleaning up the crumbs on the floor!

  6. Wait, before you move too quickly. Remember that NOTHING can take the smell of exchange students out of mattresses or upholstered fabric. Not even six gallons of febreze and a blow torch.
    Four was not fun at our house either. I even toyed with the idea of trying to find a place that could erase last year from my mind, but just last month we moved on to five and things are looking rosy.

  7. I regularly threaten to a) leave my girls at the end of the driveway, b) give them to the circus, and c) sell them on ebay. Lucy actually negotiates the price. Currently the going opening bid is $10.

  8. I was willing to sell Caity this morning too. Nothing would please her majesty and I kept waiting for her to say “off with her head!” …

    Jen, why don’t we try and do a bundle package – two cute little ones and one slightly bigger one? Might get a better deal that way …

    Let me know…

  9. yeah you see the picture of the baby (Caity)in my icon screaming her head off … that’s what she was like this morning … three year olds, sheesh.

  10. Hey are you writing about my life?? Mya is the same about the attitude… She just turned 4 on the 24th of Feb, and now she thinks that she is the boss of the house.. GRRR… I always said that 3 was worse than 2… But already I can say I DO NOT LIKE 4!!! LOL

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