Remember a few days ago…or maybe it was a few weeks…months?…of no consequence. It wasn’t today. So, remember a while ago when I told you about the custodian tinkering when I should have been tinkling? No? Read it here, third section down, and I’ll wait.
Remember now? Ok. So, he did it again. I’m beginning to think this guy wants me to pee my pants. Maybe he leads a dull life and the only thing that brings him any joy is to see professional-looking office workers wet themselves.
Or maybe he leads a very full life and likes to regale his mounds of friends with tales of women forced to wear their winter coats as pants (legs through the arm holes; use an extra-large elastic band as a belt) because they’ve soiled their original pair.
Or maybe he’s a cruel, demented, deviant who gets off on seeing the pain in our eyes caused by full bladders and nowhere to empty them.
Or maybe he’s just doing his job and I have bad timing. Whatever.
Yesterday I was having massive pains. Different from the ones Google defines as “cancer”. Not cancer pains. These were of the bottom end of the digestive system variety. Or so I thought at the time. And these pains were painful, which meant to me, at the time, that “things” were at Code Red Emergency level.
So I ran to the washroom and initiated the procedure.
Guess who I hear? That’s right.
Of course. The window on the door immediately to the right of the single-stall washroom needed to be squeegeed RIGHT AT THE MOMENT MY INTESTINES WHERE READY TO EXPLODE FROM MY PERSON. Of course it did.
Article 1 of the United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment defines torture as:
Any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person (this is definitely intentional) for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person, information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed (maybe I leave my desk too messy at night?) or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind (he hates my face?), when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity.
– Convention Against Torture, Article 1.1
Maybe I'll post something later that doesn't involve poop. Or the prospect of poop. Or the idea of the prospect of poop.