An open letter to some douche

Dear Douchebag,

Today is garbage day.  I know you know this because of what you did to warrant this strongly worded letter.  We have recycling and compost pickup every week and garbage pickup every other week.  And on the appropriate weeks, we are given a three-bag limit.  We are allowed to set out three garbage bags.  Three.  I know you know this because of what you did to warrant this strongly worded letter.

I’m fairly certain you know how to count.  1-2-3.  That’s all.  1-2-3-STOP.  Three bags is how many we’re allowed to set out.  You probably know how to count because you knew you had too many bags to set on your lawn, and that’s why you went trolling for lawns to deposit your extras.  Am I right?  You had too many? 

Well, that’s ok.  It happens to all of us once in a while.  And I don’t even mind if you put your extra bag on our lawn if we have the room.  That’s just fine.  What difference would it make to me?  Chuck it on the pile.

Remember when we reviewed counting?  1-2-3, right?  1-2-3-STOP.  That’s right.  You’ve got it now.  Well, when you pulled up to our lawn and saw our garbage bags, how many did you count?  1-2-3, right?

ONE TWO THREE STOP.

THERE WERE ALREADY THREE BAGS THERE, DOUCHECANOE.  KEEP MOVING.  NO ROOM HERE.  TAKE YOUR BAG ELSEWHERE.  WE’RE ALL FULL UP HERE.

Gah.

So now how many bags do we have?  1-2-3-4, no?  1-2-3-4 is one bag too many.  YOUR bag.  WE were fine with our three bags until YOU came along and took us one bag past the limit.  So now, instead of the garbage men leaving that one extra bag on YOUR lawn for you to hang on to for two weeks until the next pickup, WE get the pleasure of hoarding trash.

Idiot.

Listen, if you honestly have a problem with counting, let me help.  Hold up your hand.  Either one.  They should be the same.  Now wiggle your fingers.  Did you do it?  Good.  Now, ball them up into a fist.  Got it?

NOW PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE NUTS.

Heh…sorry.  Don’t do that.  Hold up just your thumb.  That’s number one.  And now your index finger.  He’s number two.   And now your middle finger.

AND FLIP YOURSELF THE BIRD.

Heh…sorry again.  No, no.  The middle finger is number three.  NOW STOP.  That’s all the counting you need to know for this exercise.  Three.  Three bags is our limit.  Three bags is YOUR limit, and I know you know this because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been looking for someplace to put your extra bag.  Three bags is also MY limit.  Which I totally knew and because I knew, we’re very careful to only produce three bags of garbage every two weeks so that we never, ever go over our limit and have to look for another poor sucker’s lawn to use.

Three bags in two weeks.  Remember that.

Your friendly neighbour and NOT A GARBAGE DUMP,

Jen O.

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13 thoughts on “An open letter to some douche

  1. Ha, you tell him Jen O. – too bad you didn’t see him do it, would have loved to imagine you running down your driveway with your fist just a shakin’ giving him hell. BUT I do think DOUCHE is a bit too soft of a word for people like that. Because in essence he’s a litterbug and that has some stiff penalities attached to it! Jackass.

    • I’m trying to maintain a solid “PG” rating up in here, Denise, but I can assure you that in real life, there was much more colourful language being used.

  2. That IS a douchetastic move. Who even has the balls to do something like that? Assume only under the cover of a 3am drive-around, so they know they won’t get caught? People suck.

  3. How sad that the douche is probably also computer illiterate and will never see your fan-freakin-tastic letter. Douche indeed.

    I wish we had a limit on trash here. It infuriates me to see neighbors FILL a huge tote and still have extra huge bags on the ground next to it. And they don’t recycle. Argh. People.

    • Maybe that should be lesson #2. How To Use Teh Innerwebs.

      We’ve always had a limit (well, for as long as I remember), but my favourite part is that we recycle AND compost and that those are picked up every week and garbage only every other. It forces people to be better garbage-sorters.

  4. Douchebagtastic! This guy seriously needs to be teabagged in the worst way possible. I just said teabaggeed and douche in the same post. Two high fives for me?

  5. I suggest that for the next two weeks, you sneak into his yard in the dead of night and place items about in groups of three, (3), 1-2-3-STOP!

    Flamingos, flags, empty cans of soup, whathaveyou. Perhaps he’ll get the picture. Sometimes I am obnoxious.

  6. Three bags of garbage every two weeks?! Damn. Canadians are so nice to the environment.

    I hope douchebag reads this and does punch himself in the nuts. He totes deserves it.

  7. Ugh I hate inconsiderate people!! Why can’t all those type live on an island together and not near the nice people!?

    Maybe taser that guy next time he does it?

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