Greeting cards are my nemesis

My father does not want a 300 word essay written with $5 schmoopy words on love and appreciation in a card covered with flowers and silhouettes of seagulls and ribbons and pearls.  That is a recycled Mother’s Day card.  Nice try.

My father does not want an LOLCat with 3D googly eyes.  In fact, no one over the age of 3 wants an LOLCat with 3D googly eyes on their card.

My father does not want an oversized certificate proclaiming him to be The World’s Greatest Father.  Where would he put it?  Not at his office; that’s bragging.

My father does not want a card that yells “GIT ‘ER DONE!” at his face in a loop.  I can do that myself.

My father does not want another fart joke.  The first 187 fart joke cards were funny.  Then the jokes get recycled with a different cartoon animal with a cloud pouffing out of his butt. 

My father does not want to be called “Daddy” by his 30 year old daughter.  I call my dad Dad.  I didn’t know this was so weird.

Greeting card manufacturers have by the delicate bits, don’t they?  They pump out thousands of second and third rate cards and we HAVE to buy one, don’t we?  I mean, if we don’t we’re horrible people, right?  Every occassion must be celebrated with a card.  Them’s the rules.

I could stand in the card section of the drug store for hours, literally hours, scanning and reading and re-reading every single card on the shelves and NOTHING would suffice.  I don’t want an overly sacchrine card.  I don’t want a novel.  I don’t want some goofy novelty.  I don’t want toilet humour.

Am I asking too much?  Maybe I am, because even I can’t think of what’s left.  What would be acceptable?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I spent nearly 45 minutes standing in the same spot in the store yesterday, staring straight ahead, picking up cards with hope in my heart, slamming them down with disgust.  I left with nothing.  Nothing would do.  I’d rather look like an ungrateful fool than hand over something I’m ashamed I paid money for.  I’d rather give my dad the $4.99 I would have spent for a cartoon penquin wearing a Hawaiian shirt on an iceberg with caption “You’re Unique” and on the inside it says “Now I know where I got it from.” or something equally stupid, unentertaining, and meaningles.

I’ll try another store.  It’s only Tuesday.  Maybe I went to the Stupid Card Store and I missed the Funny and/or Not Completely Pointless Card Store on my way.


16 thoughts on “Greeting cards are my nemesis

  1. I know what you mean….it is completely frustrating that I cannot find one card in the bazillion that are in front of me.

    So, I gave up, went to Turkey Hill and bough $5.oo worth of lottery tickets slapped a post it note on them saying Happy Father’s Day – better you possibly get rich and not have to read some stupid Hallmark card xo.

    I’ll let you know what he says on Sunday.

  2. I cheat and make cards from the kids. Complete with handprints and crayon scribblings.

    That or video cards. Though I’m not sure how to get Noelle to sing ‘Happy Father’s Day” when she knows what the real words are….

  3. We should created our own line of snarky, sarcastic greeting cards. We may only sell a total of six, but I think we’ll feel really great about it.

  4. My dad always told us he didn’t want anything for Father’s Day because it was a made up holiday by the greeting card companies to cash in on the mindless masses need to do mindless things.

    So I always ignore him completely every father’s day. No hello, no phone calls, no visits. I disappear completely the whole day. I don’t think he’s noticed in the 14 years I’ve been doing this.

    • Wow. You are the most awesomest daughter in the world. Most dads can’t get their daughters to do what they ask even once. And you’ve been honouring his wishes for 14 years? You deserve a medal.

  5. Would your Dad appreciate a book, then you could just write “Happy Father’s Day 2010” on the inside? I agree – buying cards for these greeting card company holidays suck.

  6. I caved and bought four equally disasterous greeting cards for my husband from each of the kids and myself.
    Mine was a vomitrocious lavender with reeds blowing in the pretend greeting card wind trying to recreate a seaside vacation vibe that we never got to have due to those same three kids.
    Then it proceeded to get worse with the crappy paragraph inside that I had to cross out with permanent marker and replace.
    So essentially I could have handed him a piece of construction paper with scribble all over it and had the same result.

  7. Yes, I just realized a few years ago that people actually Buy Hallmark cards. I had to stare at them and go, “Why?? They’re expensive and stupid?” I usually just use construction paper and a marker. Yes. Very high-tech.

    @TJ YES! I would definitely love a sarcastic, snarky greeting card! You should do that 😀

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