30 Days of Truth – Day One

30 Days of Truth is an exercise on being honest with yourself and letting people in to witness the dialogue.  For thirty days, write about one subject that forces you to be introspective.  Dig deep.  The days’ topics are below if you’d like to play along.

Day 1 – Something you hate about yourself

Hate is a strong word.  Hate contains so much passion and bile that you don’t just wish something didn’t exist, you want it to burn in a fire and suffer the whole time.  Hate takes energy.  Consciousness.  There’s not a lot I hate.  And about myself?  That’s heavy, man.

But there is one thing I do hate about myself.  My inability to properly express my emotions.  I get angry, I cry.  I am overwhelmed with sadness, I am a stoic robot.  Happiness comes across as indifference.

I didn’t cry at my wedding or when either of my children were born.  I was overjoyed.  I was filled with so much love and delight but I had no way to express it.  Sure, I smiled, but that’s all I knew to do.  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know what to do with my face or my body or my mind.  I knew I was happy because that’s what I was supposed to be at that moment.  And I was, truly.  I just had no way to express it to those around me who were also happy.  They knew how to do “joy”.  I didn’t.  So I faked it.

And this has nothing to do with my upbringing or terrible childhood or whatever – I have wonderfully loving parents who provided me with a nearly perfect childhood.  It’s just my wiring, I suppose.

Sadness confuses me the same.  I feel it within me.  The pain, the physical, aching pain.  But outwardly?  I’m like 0ne of those old timey portaits where everyone looks like they’ve lost the use of their facial muscles.  Crying.  I should be crying.  Sometimes I do, but mostly I just keep the pain inside.

Until I get angry.  When I’m angry, I lose the ability to form reasonable sentences and arguments, so I get frustrated and cry.  It’s hard to win an argument when you’re sobbing like a baby.

So, I suppose this is something I hate about myself.  My inability to properly express my emotions.  I should work on fixing it so that I no longer hate that part of me, but it’s hard to change what has always been the way I am.

***

CLARIFICATION, because apparently it’s necessary: It’s not that I don’t HAVE emotions.  I HAVE emotions.  I even have the proper emotions for any given situation.  My problem is with the expression of such emotions.  I’m like the embodiment of “awkward arm*” when it comes to showing them outwardly. 

See?  I’m not at ALL like Dexter.  Except, you know, the Murder Shed.

* If you don’t know what “awkward arm” is, a) I feel sorry for you and b) email me and I’ll let you know.

***

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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31 thoughts on “30 Days of Truth – Day One

  1. Wow, I think I wrote this in my sleep. My ex (who’s an ex for this reason among many), used to say that I was not attached to my emotions because I only cried when I was angry at him. My mother passed away, not a tear. Got married, not a tear. Kids in pain, not a tear. I just do what’s require at the moment and get through it. Yes, it means that sometimes I don’t deal with the issue at hand, because I’m so focused on making it through that moment. So, to a point it’s repression, but that’s also what’s helped keep me sane through many messed up times in my life.

    So, you are not alone, and I’m learning to let me emotions come through. I cried at my wedding this year, because I was so happy, I couldn’t do anything but cry. When you need to cry, you will, don’t beat yourself up about it.

    Well written.

    ~Mel

  2. I’m the same, I cry when I’m angry. And then I take all that anger and put it in a bottle to find later, way later when I don’t expect it. The joy is an odd one though. Odd that you fake it. That made you sound like Dexter, who fakes emotions to pass off as human. I wonder how you could learn to tap into the emotion part of your self to let it out… Let me know if you find it so I could use it on yuckky emotions…

  3. “It’s hard to win an argument when you’re sobbing like a baby.”

    GIRL. I’m with you on that one. And when it happens I get even angrier which, you know, makes my face even snottier and mascara even more runny.

  4. I was trying to think of something witty to say about sexy robots, but I decided instead to just give you some praise for doing this. Introspection is like wrestling alligators made out of feelings IN YOUR MIND! Keep after this. You’re awesome.

  5. Love your honesty!! My husband never fights with me anymore because I always cry… he hates it, and I am usually heard through my painful sobs, saying, ‘sorry, i’m not meaning to cry’. Just can’t help it, but glad to know I am in good company!

  6. yeah i cry when i’m agry too and i lose the ability to form sentences when really angry or excited about something (part of that is from the stroke, so it’s not totally my fault). Drives me nuts because if someone is yelling/arguing with me about something, I can’t stand my ground too well and usually end up in tears … works so well in the business world.

    I do, however, also cry at the drop of a hat. I sobbed when my first born ran to me prior to our wedding. I sobbed the entire walk to the altar. Had to repeat myself during the vows because it was hard to understand what I was saying …

    I don’t go to funerals or viewings if I can at all avoid them. I usually end up in a puddle and feel foolish that I’m showing more emotions than the people directly affected. They absolutely have my support, it’s just best that I support them from home.

  7. Wow…this is me exactly. I truly thought I was the only one out there like this. It’s nice to know that even though I think I’m not normal…maybe if others are like this too, I’m a little less abnormal than I thought. It’s totally true — you have feelings, but you just can’t express them the way everyone else seems to do it.

  8. Since this is about honesty…this trait in you has always been hard for me, as your friend, to understand. Mostly because I’m so damn emotional. I cry at commercials. I get weepy with joy when I talk about my kids to people. I get spitting mad at least once a day. And incredibly, stupidly happy at silly things like a good cup of tea.

    So this was refreshing. Soul-glimpsing. How did it make you feel?

    • I didn’t make them up. It one of those internet memes that is popping up everywhere. I’m not even sure where I first saw it. Here, I think: http://avitable.com, but I know he got it from someone who got it from someone who got it from…well, you get the picture.

    • Oh, and I should add that many of the MamaPop writers are participating in this, as well as tons of others all over the interwebs. It’s been very cool reading everyone’s posts.

      My “30 Days of Truth” posts will go up every Monday and Wednesday for the next 15 weeks.

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