30 Days of Truth is an exercise on being honest with yourself and letting people in to witness the dialogue. For thirty days, write about one subject that forces you to be introspective. Dig deep. The days’ topics are below if you’d like to play along.
Day 1 – Something you hate about yourself
Hate is a strong word. Hate contains so much passion and bile that you don’t just wish something didn’t exist, you want it to burn in a fire and suffer the whole time. Hate takes energy. Consciousness. There’s not a lot I hate. And about myself? That’s heavy, man.
But there is one thing I do hate about myself. My inability to properly express my emotions. I get angry, I cry. I am overwhelmed with sadness, I am a stoic robot. Happiness comes across as indifference.
I didn’t cry at my wedding or when either of my children were born. I was overjoyed. I was filled with so much love and delight but I had no way to express it. Sure, I smiled, but that’s all I knew to do. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do with my face or my body or my mind. I knew I was happy because that’s what I was supposed to be at that moment. And I was, truly. I just had no way to express it to those around me who were also happy. They knew how to do “joy”. I didn’t. So I faked it.
And this has nothing to do with my upbringing or terrible childhood or whatever – I have wonderfully loving parents who provided me with a nearly perfect childhood. It’s just my wiring, I suppose.
Sadness confuses me the same. I feel it within me. The pain, the physical, aching pain. But outwardly? I’m like 0ne of those old timey portaits where everyone looks like they’ve lost the use of their facial muscles. Crying. I should be crying. Sometimes I do, but mostly I just keep the pain inside.
Until I get angry. When I’m angry, I lose the ability to form reasonable sentences and arguments, so I get frustrated and cry. It’s hard to win an argument when you’re sobbing like a baby.
So, I suppose this is something I hate about myself. My inability to properly express my emotions. I should work on fixing it so that I no longer hate that part of me, but it’s hard to change what has always been the way I am.
CLARIFICATION, because apparently it’s necessary: It’s not that I don’t HAVE emotions. I HAVE emotions. I even have the proper emotions for any given situation. My problem is with the expression of such emotions. I’m like the embodiment of “awkward arm*” when it comes to showing them outwardly.
See? I’m not at ALL like Dexter. Except, you know, the Murder Shed.
* If you don’t know what “awkward arm” is, a) I feel sorry for you and b) email me and I’ll let you know.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself