So the Anonymous Husband and I were reflecting last night. Mostly dog-related reflection. See, our dog, Boscorelli, was our first baby. Yeah, he’s just a dog, but he was our practice baby for two years before any real babies came along and in that time, we treated him as such. He slept in our bed until he shit between our pillows one night. He sleeps snuggled up in the crook of my legs when I lay on the couch in the evenings. He goes to daycare with the kids, for Pete’s sake. Truth be told, he went to daycare BEFORE the kids, but that was mostly because we didn’t want him taking a dump in the house or eating our coffee table while we were at work. He was our wee little boy before we had our girls.
And, of course, we have always celebrated Christmas with Bossy. Trissmas is what we call it when speaking to him. “Bossy! It’s Trissmas!” we say and he gets excited because he knows that means a sock full of treats and toys and a new “outfit” (collar).
So we were sitting around, sipping hot chocolate, watching the Survivor Finale, recounting Bosco’s year. Pondering whether or not Bossy deserves all we’ve bought him – a few bags of treats, a pretty collar, a new toy for him to destroy – when it occurred to us. If kids have to behave in order for Santa to bring them toys, dogs should have to as well.
And so, I give you a list of reasons why we came to the conclusion that Boscorelli is, in fact, on The Naughty List this year and will likely be receiving coal in his stocking:
1. Pooped in the house at least three times, two of which were clearly and obviously malicious acts of rebellion for being left alone in the house for what amounted to barely a couple of hours. This guy is 6 years old, mind you. House trained for a full 5.5 of those years. He knew what he was doing and he was proud of his accomplishments. (Accomplishments achieved – Made Daddy’s Head Explode)
2. Accused by the father of a child at daycare of biting him (the father, not the child). He is overly aggressive with pretty much anyone not a part of his inner circle. Aggressive as in he charges and barks. He’s never bitten anyone and likely can’t (his jaw is misaligned – he can’t even chew food), but the fact that he was accused of biting means his aggression has gotten to the point where he’s scaring grown men. (Accomplishments achieved – Complete And Utter Embarrassment For Mommy And Also Baba, Who Was Told Of His Misdemeanour)
3. Continual escaping from the backyard at daycare. No matter how the fence is repaired and reinforced with chicken wire, he still manages to escape. He was caught BOUNDING OVER THE PICKET FENCE LIKE A GAZELLE. Keep in mind this dog is about a foot tall. (Accomplishments achieved – Made Baba’s Head Explode)
4. LANDED IN DOGGY JAIL during one escape. Running away got him caught by the po-po (Animal Control) and thrown in the clink (the pound). I had to take time off work and pay bail. He’s now got a permanent record and wears an electronic ankle bracelet to track his every move (not really, it’s more of just a regular old dog tag, BUT STILL). (Accomplishments achieved – Made Mommy’s Head Explode)
As you can see, he’s pretty much done everything he could possibly do to earn the title of Bad Dog. Along with the usual behavioural issues like barking and licking when told no and not pee-peeing on the rocks (like he knows full well he’s supposed to do) and purposely eating all the dog AND CAT food.
I SHAKE MY FIST IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION. DAMN YOU, DOG, AND YOUR HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, NO-GOOD, ROTTEN WAYS. YOU ARE A SCURGE ON OUR HOME. A STAIN ON OUR OTHERWISE QUIET AND PEACEFUL EXISTENCE (*cough*). YOU ARE A FURRY, SQUISHY, BALL OF FRUSTRATION AND I CURSE YOU. I CURSE YOU AND YOUR DASTARDLY POUFY-HEAD TILTS TO HADES!!!
He’s lucky he’s cute, is my point.
* For more on the Survivor Finale, hop on over to MamaPop at noon to read my recap. It is epic and that’s because the show was THREE BLOODY HOURS LONG. As per usual. But three hours is very, very long while recapping. My fingers. They ache.