Do you know what a person shouldn’t do while they’re trying to lose those couple or ten pounds gained over the holidays? Now just you shut up about how it’s February and that’s a full month since the holidays and a full month is plenty of time two lose a couple or ten pounds. You shut up about that and I’ll shut up about how maybe only 5 of the pounds were from the holidays and the other 5 came after. We’ll both shut up and there will be no need for fisticuffs, m’kay? M’KAY.
What was I doing? Oh, right. The exact opposite thing I should have been doing, which is Googling “ugly bread”. Because when you Google “ugly bread”, you do not get pictures of ugly looking bread. Google failed me there. Instead, you get pictures of delicious looking bread that I want to put in my face. Bread filled with chocolate chips and smothered in icing and dusted with powdered sugar and smeared with cinnamon and oh my. There’s nothing ugly about any of that.
I was Googling “ugly bread” because I want to win a sock zombie. I’m not sure what ugly bread and sock zombies have in common, other than Hella Chella likes both of them. And, to be perfectly honest, after Googling “ugly bread”, I am now also a big fan of both unattractive pastries and adorably crafted undead hookers.
The requirement for me to be entered into the contest to win Rhoda is to do a blog post about “ugly bread”. I was supposed to BAKE “ugly bread”, preferably, but I could also post a Photoshopped picture of regular bread made to look like “ugly bread”, or I could just slap up a picture of normal, un-ugly bread and she’d give me a pity entry.
And of course, that’s what I’ve done.
Here’s some boring regular bread. It doesn’t look appealing AT ALL. Actually looks kind of stale:
Here’s a piece of bread with a heart cut out of the middle to indicate love or some crap. Personally, I’d be angry about someone stealing the middle of my bread. That’s the MEAT, you know? It’s the…oh, I get it. It’s the HEART of the bread. Ha! Still mad, though:
Here’s something someone Photoshopped. It’s a cat head attached to some bread. I think it’s supposed to be funny or something:
Here’s some head-shaped bread. Because there’s nothing more appetizing than slicing into a skull to make a peanut butter and jam sandwich:
Here is the word bread cleverly made from bread. How meta:
Here is a turkey pooping out some bread (which is accordance to the rules, which state NO POOP, as this is not real poop):
And last, but not least, here is a mouse that was baked into some bread. Yeah. A real mouse:
Just kidding. I wouldn’t do that. But I DID come across MORE THAN ONE mouse baked into a loaf of bread while searching. I was thisclose to including a picture, but the rules state nothing really gross and I couldn’t come up with anything more gross if I sat and thought about it.
So there. All done. I’ll be waiting at my mailbox for Rhoda from now until she arrives. I WANT HER IN MY HANDS.