Parking Rage

Dear idiot shitwad douchenozzle moron dude with the giant truck,

I commend you on attempting to drive safely and efficiently by backing into your parking space.  High five on THAT.  I can only IMAGINE how difficult it much be to back out of a space when you’re trailing 147 feet of truck box behind you.  It would take some Mad Skillz to back THAT ass up, AMIRITE?  So good for you for taking the time to reverse into your space, ensuring your departure is simple and efficient.

You’re awesome.

The thing of it is, and I’m sure you didn’t even notice, but you backed directly over top of the line.  Like, your enormous penis-extension of a truck is straddling two of the most prime parking spots in all of the land like a WHORE giving a lap dance. 

Ahem. 

These spots are extra wide, which is PERFECT for people like you and I who have larger vehicles that can barely squeeze into the regular car-sized spots.  ‘Cept you just took two.  Leaving me with none.  ‘Cause you have two.  And now you’ve forced me to the conclusion that you’re an idiot.  And rude.  With no sense of spacial awareness.

And your truck isn’t even that nice, you know?  I mean, it’s forest green, which was awesome in the 90’s when combined with cranberry red and navy blue, but now it’s just sort of bleh.  And I see rust down there.  Don’t think I don’t.  There’s rust on your door which automatically eliminates you from getting to use the primo spots.  These spots are unspokenly reserved for those of us who take care of our vehicles and/or just bought them last month and would appreciate owning them for a little while before the douche in the beat up old clunker opens his door too enthusiatically into the side of my beautiful new Kia.

Now I’m stuck in the parking lot with the skinny spots while your ugly rusty truck sits spread-eagle over what could have been my space.  That’s kind of rude, don’t you think?  Ass.

I mean, I can understand that clearly you’re a shitty driver.  That’s obvious.  But do you not have eyes at all?  When you got out of your truck, didn’t you look down and comment to yourself  “Geez, where the heck’s the line?  And why is that car waaaaaay over there?  OH WELL, I GUESS I’LL JUST LEAVE IT.”

You shouldn’t have left it.  You should have jumped back in your cab and tried again.  Jerk.

Love,

Jen O.

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32 thoughts on “Parking Rage

  1. I will NEVER understand how people can get out of their cars, see they’ve parked at a freaking 45-degree angle, shrug, and LEAVE THEM THAT WAY. What the actual hell?!? (This is why I love Costco and their double-painted buffer thingies between the parking spaces.)

  2. BRA to the motherfucking VO!

    I met my favorite woman on the planet two years ago. we were just strangers walking through a Target parking lot and this massive truck was parking like a douchecanoe and she yelled, “if you can’t park it, don’t buy it!” and I was in love.

  3. “Like, your enormous penis-extension of a truck is straddling two of the most prime parking spots in all of the land like a WHORE giving a lap dance.” This is the most awesome line ever. May I have permission to write this in permanent ink on the window of the next offender I have the displeasure of parking near? I’m going to assume that this truck had a set of “truck balls” on it too. Which reminds me, I need to stop by and pick up a pair of bolt cutters so that I might castrate them as I see fit.

    • Oh God! The truck balls! As I’ve said before, there is no better way to advertise yourself as a redneck douchebag of epic proportion than to hang a pair of artifical testicles from the back of your truck.

  4. I was right with you until the part about how nicer cars deserve better spots. I never knew that rule. Also, I won’t be following it. Nicer drivers deserve nicer spots even if they drive their cars until the tires fall off or the floor rusts out.

    Otherwise, yes and yes. Hate those guys.

    • You do know this whole letter was sarcasm/satire/exaggeration, right? It’s not a rule. I’m just in a new car and I’m afraid it’s going to get dinged when I have to park in the skinny spots.

    • Sorry, that sounded more biting then I meant it to. I only meant that I don’t think that’s an ACTUAL rule and would never follow it if I had an older vehicle either. It was just the equivelant of picking on someone superficially when you’re upset about something they’ve done.

      • I guess I just didn’t get it. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I honestly thought that was some unspoken parking rule that no one explained to me (possibly because we a are a farm family which means that you don’t invest too much in the looks of your vehicle because it’s going to get dented, dinged and dirty). Or possibly a Canadian thing. I’m pretty sure there aren’t bigger spots in the front around here, except for the handicapped ones, of course. I’d love that. The minivan doesn’t fit too well many places.

        • Yeah, these spots are larger because they’re at an old fire hall, so they were for bigger emergency vans and stuff. There’s only about 8 of them in the whole town that wide, and that’s why they’re so covetted.

  5. 1. AMEN. I hate asshole parkers.
    2. I forgot my 2nd point… it was funny.
    3. I’m teaching my brother how to drive. I’m afraid for everybody.

  6. those are the people that i usually squeeze beside just to piss them off. Usually it’s a pretty (or they think anyway) audi or something high end and if they park over the line, no one will park next to them and ding their doors … i usually pick the driver side and ensure it’s my passenger side that’s beside them – they have no room to get in because they are in my spot and I’m well within my lane …

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