Dear Kid On The Skateboard,
What’s up? Now, I know to you I look to be about a million years old, but I’m really not. I could barely even be your mother. Ok, so it’s probably not much of a stretch. Shut up. YOU SHUT YOUR INFANTILE MOUTH WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT HOW OLD I AM. I am probably way cooler than you’ll ever be, jerk, so who cares how old I am? I don’t. I don’t have any gray hair or wrinkles or anything! Ha! Bet your mom can’t say that, sucka!
Ahem. *straightens sensible button up dress shirt*
Anywhoodle, I was just writing to tell you that I nearly killed you the other day and I was wondering who taught you to ride your skateboard. Whoever it was hates you and wishes you were dead. Sorry to break the news to you, but it’s true. They CLEARLY neglected to mention that you must follow the rules of the road, as though you were riding a bike or walking.
May I explain? Thank you.
The other day, as I was barrelling, going the speed limit, mind you, down the street, I happened upon a two way stop. However, it was the perpendicular streets that were required to stop, not me, and, as such, I continued on my merry way. As was taught to me in driver’s education, I released my foot from the gas pedal in advance of the intersection and looked in all directions, carefully and thoroughly, despite having the right to continue forward. WOULDN’T WANT TO HIT ANYONE, NOW WOULD I? I noticed that on my right hand side, north, as it were, there was a large cube van stopped at the sign, awaiting for a moment of clarity to proceed through the intersection. It was safe for me to NOT stop, so I continued through, dropping my speed ever so slightly, JUST TO BE SAFE.
AND OUT OF NOWHERE…well, not nowhere, exactly, but from the opposite side of the stopped cube van…YOU COME BOLTING INTO THE INTERSECTION. I SWERVED to miss you and you JUMPED off your board, sending it skating along the road. I missed you by just a few feet. If I had of been just one second later or if you were travelling just a wee bit faster, you would have been grill meat. GRILL. MEAT.
Granted, I’ve never rode a skateboard before in my life, but I do know that you still need to obey the rules of the road. Stop signs aren’t just for motorized vehicles. They are for everyone to pause and ensure a safe advancement. Cars that do not have a stop sign, aren’t required to stop. Those who do have a stop sign, are. And if you’re riding or walking at any intersection, and you care even slightly about the well being of your person, you should also heed these signs. THEY ARE THERE SO YOU DON’T DIE.
I know wee little runts of people like you have this delusional notion that you’re immortal or something, but let me reassure you of one thing – YOU ARE NOT. You are full of guts and blood, just like us old folks, and your skin can explode, your bones can snap, and your brains can smash, just the same as ours. And you come with the distinct disadvantage of ignorance. You have to learn these things before you know them. Well, let me learn you good – if I hit you going 50km/hr in my very large, very heavy SUV, you will probably die. It is in your best interest to take precautions towards that not happening.
And I will be honest here. It’s not that I care all that much about you. I don’t even know you! What I care about is not having a heart attack. REMEMBER HOW OLD AND DECREPIT I AM? Shut up.
Anyway, just thought I’d let you know that I almost killed you and if I had, it would have been your fault.
ps. pull up your pants, I can see your underwear.
pps. GET OFF MY LAWN.