Some days are worse than others

I’ve already posted twice today, on a Saturday no less, but some days are too good not to immediately document.  And by “too good”, I mean I hate today so bad I want to punch it in it’s stupid, ugly, fucked up face.  Pardon my french.

Stuff that sucked ass today (pardon my french again):

1. We took the kids to Denny’s for lunch.  We were all sticky from syrup in places we didn’t even realize came in contact with food.  Those of us who didn’t even use syrup were sticky.  Syrup is sticky, people.  Use caution when letting almost-three year olds have free reign.

2. In Leon’s, while buying Avery her very first Big Girl Bed, I learned a very important life lesson.  Well, it was a lesson I’d been taught many times before, but until today, I’d failed to commit it to memory.  INDOOR PLAYGROUNDS WERE INVENTED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF.  There is no reason they should exist.  They were designed to crush a parent’s spirit and that’s their sole purpose.  I’d rather lay on a bed of broken glass set aflame than supervise my kids in another indoor playground.

3. Actual fist fight between the youngest of us in Walmart (yeah, Denny’s and Walmart; we were total high brow today).  Who told me two girls in such close succession was a good idea?  That person is an idiot and should be stoned to death.

4. This:

Which is not, despite appearances, a rat.  It is hair that used to belong attached to the rest of this hair:

Awesome, right?  You can’t see the part right at the top where she cut down nearly to her skull.  Or the part at the back where she grabbed a random chunk and cut.

I blame myself for about 60% of this.  I foolishly thought the two of them could play nicely together in Avery’s room, so I stayed downstairs and didn’t hover.  My first clue should have been when Eirinn came down and said that Avery wanted to have a nap and got herself into bed.  Avery doesn’t have naps anymore and if she did want to have one, we’d have to get her pajamas on, a drink of milk, go pee, read a story, sing a song, and about a million hugs and kisses.  She’s OCD, not spontaneous.  But I thought maybe it was a game they were playing or something.  But then a few minutes later, Eirinn came down again.  Said Avery cut her hair.  Hahaha…yeah right.  Part of another game.  But I went upstairs to play along and when I got there, Avery was still in her bed with significantly less hair attached to her head, but surrounded by big chunks of it.  And more on the floor.  And some in her garbage can.  Shorn by a pair of infant nail scissors.

In a fit of emergency and panic, we flew (figure of speech, we actually just drove) to First Choice.  The McDonald’s of salons, but they can be relied upon to always be open and cheap.  She came out with this:

I guess kinda cute, but also kinda not.  Well, the face is totally cute in a mischievous “I’ll cut my own hair off if you come any closer, woman” sort of way, but the hair looks like Captain Kangaroo.

I understand the stylist didn’t have much to work with, so I totally don’t blame her.  Not one bit.  I blame myself 60%, Avery 20%, and Eirinn, who we’re convinced handed Avery the scissors, AT LEAST 20%.

5. For reasons I choose not to get into, I spent the end of my day cleaning dried blood out of our cream coloured carpet.  Don’t worry, it was mine.  I’ve already said too much.

6. For the entirety of the day, I believed that I had two glasses of wine left in the bottle from last night.  There was only one.

Not funny, universe.  Not funny.

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34 thoughts on “Some days are worse than others

  1. No. 6 really puts the crap on the cracker after a day like that, eh?
    However, the hair story is a good one you’ll be able to laugh about soon enough. I did the same thing when I was about her age, except I also cut off all the dog’s hair and put that–along with my ponytail–into envelopes.

    Good lord, I hope my mom had wine.

    • We couldn’t stop laughing. We didn’t think it was funny, but our nerves had us giggling for about an hour as we were trying to get her in trouble. It was the worst.

  2. My ex wife sucks. WhY?

    Because right after Bobina and I got married, Goose (then age 4), cut Bug (then age 5) hair’s the day we were scheduled to take Bug bacj. Similar amount as your baby was cut. My wife’s filed a an order of protection that stated we were not allowed to “alter Bug’s looks”. we got her ears pierced right after that,

    Yoru daughter is uh door uh bull.

  3. I’m so glad that was human hair on the couch. For a minute, I was freaked the fuck out.

    And now I can’t get the image of Captain Kangaroo out of my head..

  4. *Snort*

    Okay, I shouldn’t laugh but I did. And then mentally wince as it’s just a matter of time before my two decide to play hairdresser. Mental note: hide all blade-like apparati.

  5. I’m just disappointed you didn’t glue the dead rat hair slab onto her upper lip to complete the Cap’n Kangaroo effect.*

    *not too late to try, however.

  6. Story: Once, when I was about four or five, my sister and her friend, who were about 13 at the time, were cutting their hair in the bathroom.

    Since I felt the need to do EVERYTHING my sister did, what with the hero-worship and all, I grabbed the scissors they had left out and went to town. One patch, right down to the scalp. My dad found me and tried to hide it through the cunning use of pigtails.. one of which was a good centimeter and a half in diameter thicker than the other.

    As someone with little girls close in age, I feel your pain on the fighting. And the stickiness. And the ‘what the hell happened to my wine!?!’

  7. Holy wow, what a day. I think all kids are destined to lob off their hair at least once. Mine did and actually tried taping it back on. That was on sticky mess to unravel. Thankfully she didn’t try gluing it back on. (Hugs)Indigo

  8. Oh this is a CLASSIC. My daughter did this too at about the same age – I don’t what it is about little kids and the desire to lop off chunks of their hair, but it’s almost as if this is a box on the Kid To-Do List that all of them need to check off at some point or other, so don’t beat yourself up too much for it, for real.

  9. I can only imagine if I had two to plot against me. One is enough. She did the self-inflicted hair cut a few months ago but actually was crafty enough to hide it and flush the cut hair down the toilet to destroy the evidence. Her words, not mine. And she is 5. And yes, I am worried.

  10. At least Avery didn’t cut her hair because she drank the 2nd glass of wine (right???). She is too cute. Oh and: ping pong balls!

  11. Dude, the Captain Kangeroo pic…. Cracked me up and horrified me at the same time.

    You kiddo is cute as hell.

    Hair grows back.

    And finally, I am so, so, so glad my children all have penises. And can get away with the buzz-cut look if an emergency requires it.

    Hang in there.

  12. I’m still laughing over Captain Kangaroo. What is UP with his sideburns being combed into his hair?

    Growing up I trimmed Ernie’s hair into a nice flat-top. It looked like he’d joined the Marines or Archie’s Gang in the 50s.

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