I’m retaining water almost all the time

I just ordered some new shorts because last night I said “we can’t even afford for me to buy a second pair of shorts” and AH said “yes we can” and so I took that bet.  I mean, he may not have meant it as a dare, for me to immediately take to the internet, credit card in hand, but maybe he shouldn’t have been so quick to correct me because I had to add a whole bunch of t-shirts and tank tops in order to get free shipping.  We’ll see who wins this round.

When I ordered these shorts, I ordered a size [redacted], which may or may not be the right size because I forgot to check before I pressed PURCHASE.  I think size [redacted] is the size of all my other pairs of shorts that no longer fit, but we’ll never be sure, will we.  My old shorts are really old, so their size is more accurate to my pre-baby shape, which is completely inaccurate to my post-baby shape.  I am by no means overweight – in fact, Wii Fit tells me that I am just a hair above dead center in the ‘normal’ range, which is fine by me – but my shape changed dramatically after having kids, which tends to happen to everyone.  Except movie stars and supermodels, of course, because they have weird Stretch Armstrong bodies and also a lot of money for personal trainers, chefs to prepare delicious negative-calorie meals, and doctors to shave off those supplementary handles.

I have little desire to lose weight, despite being a few dozen pounds heavier than I was when AH and I started going out.  I’m 11 years older and two kids richer so it would be unreasonable for me to expect I could be the same size as I was when I was 20 years old, but what I wouldn’t mind would be a body that was in a little better shape.  The shorts I bought are Bermuda-length, to hide the cottage cheese, because my fitness plan has always been layer, layer, layer.  So, if they’re too small, we’re looking at a whole sausage-casing situation, which I’ve heard is not pretty.  But if I really did buy the wrong size, which I’m almost certain I did, perhaps I could squeeze myself into them if I was a little tighter around the thigh girth area.  Even maybe fit into the properly, with a little bit of physical activity.

Last weekend, I took to the Wii Fit for the first time in about a year and a half.  Truth be told, I took to the Wii Fit for the second time ever.  I’d gained a bit of weight, which I blame fully on this handful of Peanut M&M’s and his brethren which have accounted for many a second breakfast.  Or I could blame my hair, which is about 9″ longer and probably 5 pounds heavier.  Or maybe I was wearing really heavy clothes that day.  The camera adds ten pounds.  I was retaining water.  Whatever the reason, I was heavier, but I don’t care.  I had dragged out the Wii Fit in order to get in shape because going to an actual gym costs money and I’d have to drive there and dress decent and oh my god, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. 

I did the workout three days in a row.  LIKE A BOSS.  Buuuuuut…I haven’t touched it since.  And I’m eating these M&M’s.  That I bought in bulk.  Obviously I’m dead serious about getting into shape.

Fingers crossed they do exchanges.


7 thoughts on “I’m retaining water almost all the time

  1. I’m scared to death to get back on the Wii Fit for fear it will say “what the fuck have you done to yourself”. All the while my avatar will be blowing up like a puffer fish and popping out 3 chins to represent the weight it feels on the board.

    • I saw my avi and thought “WHAT THE HELL I DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT HOW RU…oh.” Because yes I do.

      I find the Wii is less rude about weight and more rude when you can’t actually do the exercises perfect. “You’re pretty shaky.” Yeah, I am. I’ve been holding this plank for a full minute with my forearms grinding themselves into the hard, ridged plastic of the board, so I think a little shaking is forgiveable, no?

  2. Years ago I put on a LOT of weight. I convinced myself my husband was simply washing my pants in hot water and they were all shrinking (not length wise, but landscape wise) then my dad blew up: he did an intervention with his wife and put me on the scale. I had gained 25 pounds in 2 months.

    Then he explained how in less than a year if I kept it up I’d gain over a 100 pounds. His hard love devastated me. And it took me that much (one year) to lose those pounds!

    But yeah… my love is for Cadbury’s dark fruit and nut. Yumalicious!

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