I don’t know where I am anymore. I’m here, in this chair, wondering, but where am I really? In terms of the Internet, I don’t know. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m wondering why anyone would care about what I have to say. Who am I and why would anyone listen (or read, as the case may be)? I’ve lost my grip on Twitter. I was once an enthusiastic and prolific tweeter; I could wittle any thought down to 140 or less with skill and precision. Now, I’m lucky if I remember Twitter exists. I’ve never understood Facebook, but what I grasp now is that it’s the forum through which we Windows phone users can play Words With Friends. I throw up a status update once in a while, just to see how it feels. I long ago abandoned Google+ because I didn’t get it when it first came out and I’m much too old and crotchety to bother. Do people still do Google+?
I haven’t written for MamaPop in about a month and a half. I miss the people. With Eirinn and Avery in skating and gymnastics and my 9-5 being about 694 times busier than usual, I’m thankful for having one less responsibility, but I do miss the people. I also miss having that as a part of my on-line identity. I noticed on Friday that I still hadn’t removed the MamaPop link from my email signature. It had been a part of me for so long, it hadn’t even occurred to me to delete it.
Even this blog (g’head and roll your eyes at yet another Pondering The State Of My Blog post; it seems there’s a new one everyday somewhere on the Internet). I’ve been here and also not. I’m at that point where every blogger gets stuck, usually at this time of year or during the busy summer months, where everything seems too boring or insignificant or self-indulgent to bother those of you with who have stuck around. I’ve been considering doing a post about How To Transform Your Closet, but then I think I’m being pretentious and presumptuous and so I don’t. I haven’t mentioned how my kids seem to be skating phenoms and gymnastics prodigies because blah. I know my kids are rock stars, but do you need to know? Do you want to know? Instead of finding out, I just scrap the whole idea. It’s like that with a lot of things. I start out thinking something would make a great post, but then I talk myself out of it, and in its place is a great void. It’s like my blog is being consumed by The Nothing and, like Bastian, I can only watch.
But whatever, right? It’s only a blog and it’s only the Internet. I’m still on the computer as much as I used to be, I suppose, mostly because that’s where the majority of my job exists. Not on the Internet, but near it. That’s sort of been the story of my life. I stay just on the outside of what’s happening; watching and listening as much as my failing eyes and ears allow, but never stepping with both feet into the inner circle. Never with the in crowd, but near it. Like a character actor you recognize, but can’t name. And if I continually believe that no one cares about what I have to say, that’s where I’ll stay. But you know what? I think this is where I want to stay.
It’s easy out here, on the outskirts of what’s happening. I’m not fighting for attention or raising my voice to be heard or worried about how my hair looks. I’m always wearing the right shoes and no one cares if I stutter. I don’t think I was ever right in the center of it all, but I was certainly closer to the action. Right now, further from the mark, this is exactly where I belong. I can be as quiet as I want, which is pretty quiet indeed.