I Do Not Like Green Eggs And Ham

So my kid, the older one, turns six in one week, which is really weird because I’m pretty sure she’s still a baby.  A teeny tiny preemie I just birthed not a few months ago.  But according to the calendar, months were actually years and I call bullshit.  Pardon my French, but seriously.  Suddenly she’s tall and lanky, without an ounce of that baby pudge I loved so much.  Her once whispy, curly hair is thick and stick straight and nearly down to her waist.  She has pierced ears.  Pierced ears!  They both do, which is offensive to my delicate sensibilities as a mother.  She corrects my grammar and picks out her own clothes and poops without asking me to wipe.  Usually.  It’s ridiculous and I do not condone all this growing up nonsense.


Aaanyway, so the thing about this growing up horsepoo is that she seems to be really good at it.  I DON’T EVEN KNOW.  I mean, she’s made a million friends at school (didn’t learn that from me…), she’s like some weird gymnastics and skating phenom, and she’s literally a genius.  And I’m not just saying all that because I’m her mom.

I try not to be too braggy about my kids because I realize that everyone thinks their own children are the best at everything and the greatest humans ever invented, and it’s no different with me and mine.  I honestly believe deep within my soul that my kids are better than yours.  I’M SORRY, but I do.  But!  I do know that you feel the same way about yours and short of having them arm wrestle like Stallone, we’ll never know whose is actually the best.  So I’ll just continue to believe that mine are the winners because you probably couldn’t convince me otherwise anyway.

Aaanyway x2, at the beginning of the year we were told that by the end of this year, her second year of ELKP, which is basically just senior kindergarten, except it’s not called simply ‘kindergarten’ anymore because her school does all day, every day, and instead it’s a two year Early Learning Kindergarten Program.  That sentence was really long, so I just cut it off before it got out of hand.  At the beginning of the year we were told that by the end of the year all the SK’s (let’s just keep it simple) should be reading at level 4.  Should be.  Not make-or-break their future educational success if they don’t quite make it, but it’s highly encouraged that they reach for that level 4 goal.

Eirinn is at level 9.

She reads like a pro, smoothly, making different voices for all the characters, putting emphasis on different elements of conversations, ploughing through three and four syllable words.  She’d be further ahead, I’m certain, but they only get two books a week to bring home as homework and they need to flawlessly read three books at each reading level before they move up to the next.  She’d move up faster, if they’d let her, but the quickest possible pace is set by her teachers.  Usually I read the girls a story before bed, but lately it’s been getting more and more difficult to convince her to let me read the book and not her (it’s part of me hanging on to their childhood – I want to read the story because THEY’RE BABIES).  Sometimes I give in and let her be a full-sized human grown up and she reads the book to us.  A couple of nights ago, she read Green Eggs And Ham from cover to cover, which isn’t such a big feat given there are just 50 unique words in the book.  The part that blew me away was that she read it FAST.  When I read a Dr. Suess book to the kids, I use it as a challenge to see how quickly I can read it without making a mistake at any of the tongue twisters.  I love Dr. Suess tongue twisters.  Eirinn read that book just as fast as I can read it and made so few mistakes, I couldn’t recall one specifically.

love that she’s a reader.  I am so proud that she finds such joy in a book and that she’s so hungry to improve.  I will buy her infinity books if that would make her happy, because I know that books have that ability.  What I do NOT approve of is how un-baby-like this all suspiciously seems.  Babies can’t read.  Babies CERTAINLY can’t read at level 9 at age five.  Nice try, EIRINN, but I’m going to have to ask you to STOP RIGHT NOW, STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.

Now go to your room and start regressing or there will be no dessert after supper.  I AM YOUR MOTHER AND I MEANT IT.


8 thoughts on “I Do Not Like Green Eggs And Ham

  1. Level 9 is pretty impressive and you should be proud! In G’s class there are only 2 students at that level and they are the highest leveled readers in the class. The next day class has a child (freak of nature comes to mind, but that sounds mean) that is reading at level 21 and is in jk. I wonder if his parents are proud or scared shitless.

    • Eirinn says there’s just one kid in her class at a higher level than her.

      Maybe the kid in the other class spends every waking hour practicing, by order of his drill sargeant parents. That’s what I tell myself about the one girl who’s higher than Eirinn.

  2. I hear you – how dare they grow up?!? My dtr read the bedtime story last night. ::quiet sob:: But my stepson let my husband read to him until he was about 14 (don’t tell him I told you that) – I’m sure he was just humoring his dad, but it was nice nonetheless. I think I’ll strap my kids down and make them do that, too.

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