“Time don’t mean anything.”

I’ve been posting almost every day, what with all these pictures and their commentary, but I really feel like I haven’t been posting anything of substance.  I told a friend the other day (maybe it was yesterday?  *shrug*) that I haven’t posted anything that matters in about two weeks.  There have been things in my life that would normally have been bloggable (spellcheck says I made that word up, so yay!  I’m an inventor of things!) – Eirinn’s Chuck E. Cheese birthday party and how I brought a very useful camera, but forgot a functional battery, a shopping trip that included the most delicious candy-covered caramel apples ever and a sighting of a grandmother who must hold records for both Tightest Face-Skin and Most Makeup Applied In One Sitting, and the death my family cat – but I just haven’t for one reason or another.  I haven’t had much time to myself lately as AH has been busy with a side project and so weekends and some evenings have left me with solo parenting duties.  And then, when I do have free time, I’m too exhausted or computered-out (I’m on one all day, literally every single second, for work, so sometimes the sight of my laptop at home makes me want to burn the house down).

I have a post sitting in draft, ready for me to pour my heart out about Boomhauer (the cat), but I haven’t found the words yet.  And so it sits there with nothing but a picture of him from more healthy days.  It’s funny, I’ve never been the type of person to say “oh, he’s just a cat” or downplay the role animals play in a family.  I have, and do, believe that animals can be just as much a part of your family unit as a human – they crave love and security and a sense of community as much as any one of us and they will return it two-fold, unconditionally – and they will always be a significant part of my life.  However, it’s times like these, times when decisions, really tough decisions, have to be made for the animal that I wish, even if that wish is brief and fleeting, that I could say with even the slightest bit of honesty that I believed a beloved pet to be “just a cat”.  But I don’t and can’t and won’t.  Boomhauer was my furry younger brother, my parent’s crotchety gigantor kitty (he was, at least in part, a Maine Coon, which is about the feline equivalent of a bulldozer), and he’ll be missed as though I lost kin.

Through losing Boomer, I was forced into long, difficult talks with the girls about death and cancer.  Boomer had nasopharyngeal carcinoma, which, at least in cats, is fatal, deforming, and devastating.  My parents found out about the cancer just 2 weeks before it reached the point where it was physically obvious that there was no other option.  In a matter of a couple of months (he was diagnosed with other ailments before the vet settled on NPC), he went from this hulking 22 pound monster of a cat to a frail, 6 pound shadow of himself.  I told the girls that Boomer had a disease called cancer and that sometimes doctors can help people with cancer, but a lot of times they can’t and that he had the kind that doctors couldn’t fix. I had to tell them that the cancer had gotten so bad that Baba (that’s what they call my mom) and Papa had to decide that he would be happier in heaven, with Gizmo (my family dog, who passed away 1.5 years ago). So, they had to take him to the doctor and the doctor gave him a needle that helped him to fall asleep and he wouldn’t wake up, but he would be in heaven. All the while, I had to make sure that this wouldn’t make them afraid of doctors or sleeping or think that every single time they hear the word cancer from now on, that that person is going to die. And I also had to ask that they don’t talk about any of this to my mom, unless my mom talked about it first, because she would be very sad.

With five dogs in their life in our family and extended family, I hope it’s a very long time before I have to do that sort of explaining again.

I feel like I should also talk about another major reason why I haven’t been producing actual blog posts lately.  Distraction, thy name is Sons Of Anarchy. I feel a little bit like I’ve been drowning lately.  There is just so much stuff around me, pulling me in a million different directions, all demanding 100% of my attention, 100% of the time, that it sometimes feels like if I didn’t have this one thing, this escape from reality at the end of the day, that I’d crack.  Just sometimes, thank goodness.  Most of the time, I’m fine with the juggling, but television has always been my escape of choice, whether I really need it or not. 

AH and I started watching the series last week and in 10 days, during child-free hours, between work and chores and side projects and our regular television shows, we’ve watched 24 episodes.  I’m sure many of you have seen the show – it’s in it’s fourth season and, from what I understand, it gets fairly decent ratings, so chances are a great deal of you have seen it – but if you haven’t, DO IT.  Seriously.  I know I’m embarrassingly late to this party, but it’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen, ever.  And I have seen a lot of television in my day.  A lot.  Last night we had watched two episodes, winding up the last at our usual bedtime, 11pm, when the ending of the second episode left us both going “WHAAAAAT?!?  NO!  NO!  WHAT THE…?  NO!”  So we debated amongst ourselves about the pros and cons of staying up to watch just one more episode for about two seconds and we watched another.  And now I am tired and pretty much just want to go home and WATCH MOAR SONS OF ANARCHY.  I’ll be very sad when we finish all four seasons and have to wait for it to come back in the fall (does it air in the fall? *shrug*).

And so, here I am, sneaking a minute or two to crank out a rare few un-photo-a-day-related words (other than to say, I failed you, day #20, and I apologize).  I haven’t been lacking in the volume of published posts, but the quality and the substance has irked me.  I haven’t lost any of the passion I have for creating things with my words, I have just lost the time to do so.  Some of it is of my own doing – do I really need to watch four episodes a night?  Yes, but no, but also yes.  But the majority of it is unavoidable.  Unfortunately, when times get hectic, the blog is one of the first luxuries to go.

Oh, Time, you old so-and-so.  You are a greedy, selfish, thoughtless bastard.

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8 thoughts on ““Time don’t mean anything.”

  1. I get it. Cause I feel like I’ve been writing nothing, about anything, and all my real life stuff has been sitting in a special folder in my brain. Collecting dust.

    I’m feeling blogged out. Twittered out. Something about the internet lately has been not wanting to be on it very much. I don’t know. It’s probably just me.

    • It’s not just you. The community feels…odd lately. All of it, and I don’t know what to do with it. I’ve felt this way before and I always just remind myself that I do this, this blogging thing and Twitter, for myself and I try not to think too much about anything else.

      • Exactly, to both of you. I don’t know if it’s a collective burnout or if I’m the only one who feels like she has used up all her pretty words, but I just feel kind of spent with everything. I’m long on mini-ideas, but short on implementation and motivation to see them through.

        It’s like the Internet is getting stale or something…or I am. *shrug*

  2. I’m with you – I like the photo challenge, but sometimes I feel I’m using it as a crutch to replace “real” (?) writing that I “should” (?) be doing. I also understand about being pulled in 100 directions – I’ve probably told my husband twenty times this week that I’m pulling the plug on my blog, just because I LIKE doing it more than a lot of other things, so the other things are piling up. Luckily he won’t let me quit – or maybe that’s not lucky?!?

    I’m sorry about your cat. That’s really hard, and I don’t envy you the talk(s) with your girls and all the things you have to balance when explaining things like that to kids, which you described so well. Take care of yourself and your littles.

  3. I know it sounds trite, but I am so sorry about your cat. Animals are a mainstay in my life and happiness and understand how upsetting that loss can be. Take comfort in your furry little memories, my friend.

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