A Feel Sorry For Myself Kind Of Day

A coworker told me yesterday, in one of those moments that required wisdom, that we should never beat ourselves up about a mistake.  Everyone makes them, even those don’t who want to admit it.  Chances are, whatever mistake you’ve made can be corrected.  It’s just a matter of sacking up and fixing it. 

I’ve felt lately like all I’ve done is make mistakes.  Poor decisions, inappropriate reactions, and mistakes.  I’ve been going too fast or too slow or not at all, backward when I should have gone forward, looked down when I should have kept my head up, lost in my own thoughts when I should have been listening, yelling instead of speaking.  I’ve been angry, just angry, and I have no idea why.  Perhaps out of frustration from all the mistakes, from the fog I’ve been in, from the endless reasons to question myself.  Perhaps something else or nothing else.  Who knows.  I’m just an angry person right now and that, in itself, is a mistake.  I’m wasting so much time being upset at myself, at my kids, at strangers, at no one. 

I don’t know what I want, what I think would help, or what would make me happy.  Superficial band aids haven’t cured it – I’ve continued my bathroom exercise routine, my skin seems to be improving, my closet is shiny with new, beautiful things.  Pretty new front doors, a lovely patio set, the prospect of vacations, an endless mountain of Easter chocolate.  Everything brightens me up momentarily and then something else happens, the kids get in a fight or I remember something important I’d forgotten to do or there’s some undesirable chore needing to be tended to, and I’m right back to frustrated. 

And, to clarify, this is not PMS.

I really am trying my best to push this all down, to swallow this and maintain a shiny, happy exterior, but, once again, I’m failing.  I’m so short with my kids.  Granted, they’re going through some phase wherein their sole purpose in life is to simultaneously kill each other with fists and fury and also everyone else with exploding brain aneurysms.  They’re not listening, they’re constantly at each other’s throats, and I don’t remember what their regular speaking voice sounds like because it’s been replaced with an eardrum-piercing whine noise.  The house is a disaster because the only time I would have to actually tidy – there is a mountain of unfolded clean laundry in every bedroom in the house – is when they’re asleep, and so I constantly feel this weighty, yet unmotivational, guilt that, ONCE AGAIN, I’m failing at something domestic.  Have I told you about my gardens?  Oh, I’ll save that for another day.

I guess today is just one of those ‘feel sorry for myself’ days.  Maybe it’s the gloomy weather.  Maybe it’s that I didn’t get enough sleep.  Maybe it’s that I started my day with a shreaking child interrupting my shower because she was hungry and when I asked for her to give me some privacy, she abliged by shutting the door, laying on the floor outside the bathroom, and kicking the door until I shut the water off.  Maybe it’s because she threw another fit because I wouldn’t let her wear a nightgown as clothing.  But maybe it’s none of those things.

I don’t know.

I don’t know, but I’ve got to sack up and fix this.  Somehow.

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19 thoughts on “A Feel Sorry For Myself Kind Of Day

  1. For what it’s worth, we all have those feeling sorry for ourselves kind of days. The good news is that tomorrow is a brand new day.

    Mommy guilt sucks. I guarantee you that we all put WAY more time and effort into asking ourselves The Big Questions when it comes to parenting than our parents and grandparents’ generations. I’m pretty sure that my grandmother didn’t feel guilty about the fact that they were dirt poor and often didn’t have enough to eat. It’s just the way things were. Granted, our reality as parents is a whole lot different, but the lesson here is still the same: feeling guilty about our perceived “failings” as parents isn’t going to change a damn thing. Do your best today, let it go and move on tomorrow.

    I guarantee that you’ll feel a whole lot more sane if you can master this even half the time.

    • I’m less concerned about how I parent and more concerned with how irrationally and inexplicably frustrated with everything I’ve been lately, kid-related and otherwise. Hopefully it is just a phase that’s almost over.

  2. I don’t have kids. I don’t have mommy guilt or little people that I have to put on a smiling face for or attempt not to stuff in a closet. But I do have depression and bad days and things that will me happy for a minute and then plummet down the next. There’s no rhyme or reason, and accepting that sometimes there is no way to “fix” things is half of the battle.

    So take those small things that make you happy–the moments and not the superficial things–and be grateful for those. You’re human. You accept you make mistakes, you try and learn from them and you attempt not to repeat that pattern. Easier said than done of course, but really, what choice do you have? Take then next healthy step forward–even a baby step–and go from there…especially if it leads to the chocolate.

    • I’ve got an unopened tub of Chunky Monkey frozen yogurt in the freezer that is going to try to help me tonight. It might not be a good long-term solution, but it sure is going to help tonight.

  3. I will sound sappy, cheasy, and lecture’ish but what the heck I’ll say it anyways. It’s not what you’re doing, but maybe how you’re doing it? You’re hoping to gain instant gratification through superficial means. Have you tried to love everything you do? Like really love everything? Love washing your dishes because you love your family and want them to be healthy and you want a clean kitchen… As you wash the dishes pretend it’s a bubble bath and your hands are at a spa. I know. It sounds utterly stupid. But it works! It really does (and yes I do believe in unicorns and mermaids) but just start adding love to everything you do no matter how menial it may appear as a chore. Have fun with chores, pretend when you’re folding bedsheets you’re in a folding competition with Martha Stewart and you’re yelling at her “I will make you my bitch Martha! Watch this fold!” The menial becomes a game and fun, and you find you can actually enjoy everything you do especially the things you have no choice in doing.

    Just try it for a few days, what have you got to lose?

    • I’m fairly confident that I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to do this successfully, but you’re right. What do I have to lose by trying?

      • All you need really is denial. Denial is your friend. 🙂 Kidding, but I think its possible. If I can do it, you can too. Have I ever lied to you?

  4. It’s interesting that google is chock full of info for parents whose children are being bullied but has little or nothing to say to parents who’re bullied by their children. Hope you get to a better place soon.

    • Literally the best thing I’ve read today. While I don’t believe my kids are fully bullying me, I’m pretty sure it could definitely lead to that later. A really good thing to keep my eyes and ears open for and to take precautions against. Thanks.

  5. We are way too hard on ourselves. Thing is, if it’s not going away it might be worth talking to someone. It always helps me even if I’m just in a “funk.” An outsider telling me I’m not crazy is incredibly satisfying. And maybe it’s more than a “funk.” In which case, talking to someone will only help you find your way through it. You don’t have to squash the feelings of discontent. You get to have those feelings. But it’s always worth trying to figure out WHY you’re having them instead of being hard on yourself or pretending the feelings don’t exist. Good luck sister. Know that you’re not alone and that you aren’t the bad guy.

    • IRL, I’ve pretty much sequestered myself from the rest of the world, except for those hours at work, but that’s why we have blogs, right? Free therapy and instant communication with the world.

  6. Anger is a scary emotion to have take control of you. It is an emotion that we try to suppress but in the end it takes up more and more of our energy. I’ve been there. I’ve had to suppress rage, and hated everything and everyone for inexplicable reasons. Old lady trying to cross the street? Screw you for getting in front of my car! And then you hate yourself. Don’t suppress it. Ask it why it’s there. Every time you get angry, ask why. Eventually you might find where it started. And maybe start playing music in the bathroom when you’re showering to drown out the sound of your kid screaming 😉

  7. You’re not alone. I’m overwhelmed by stupid things and angry about nothing – upset that I don’t get to spend more time with my kids but annoyed by them when they’re around – putting off households chores in favor of “more important” things but then not getting those things done either… The list goes on. Sorry, I don’t have anything helpful to add that the other commenters haven’t already said – just thought I’d chime in that I’m there with you, and though it doesn’t really change anything maybe it helps to know someone understands. 🙂

  8. I asked myself too why I was getting so angry lately, why my temper was out of control. I’m usually a lot more zen. It seemed inexplicable to me until I really started to focus on what situations were setting me off. I came to the consensus that I feel clausterphobic by certain unchangeable things in my life. I have three kids under the age of four, a husband who works dangerous shift work and loves time “by himself” and no outlet. I was a bomb waiting to go off. Now that I’ve discovered the reason for my frustration I just have to figure out a way to fix it…alcohol is fast but doesn’t seem like a good long term solution…

    • I was taking Omega-3 Calm and a B complex to help with my mood, but I stopped just a couple weeks ago because I feared they were contributing to my skin issues. I may just be faced with having to choose between feeling good and looking good.

      • Oh I hear ya. I’ve battled acne since I was eleven. It was so bad I went on Accutane when I was 14. I am nowhere near as bad as I was but I still break out. My daughter often draws pictures of me with polka dots! :S I have tried a myriad of different products. I am using a natural wash with tea tree oil and water based tea tree oil moisturizer. I look better but still not great. Make up is my friend when I go out. But the outside really does affect the inside. i went and got some birth control to help my fluctuating hormones. I’ll see how that goes.

  9. I’ve been having a feel sorry for myself week. We all go through it. As for the anger? I don’t know, but you mentioned supplements – did you feel less angry when you were on them? Maybe it’s more than just anger? Maybe it’s a little more chemical.
    Either way, hang in there, you’re not alone.

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