I woke up this morning and nothing had changed. Apparently, there’s no magic cure and, if there is, is doesn’t happen overnight. Which is a bummer. I prefer to leave things to fester and eventually the fever will decide to break and whatever was causing me grief dissipates and I barely remember what ailed me. But that didn’t happen last night. Instead, I woke up feeling the same as I had yesterday. Like I am in the last half of a losing battle. I’m well aware I will have lost, but I’m still fighting. But this isn’t one of those things where I’m fighting with myself to get better or anything, I’m just fighting with everyone else. My kids, mostly, and that’s the part that’s killing me. And it’s really a shame that this rotten streak they’re going through is happening at the same time because it’s making it all that much harder. If they were behaving, I could probably just walk away when I feel myself getting upset, give myself a moment alone to breathe through it, maybe step outside for some fresh air. But, no. They actually DO need discipline right now, and often, and at times when I could scold them gently or set them into time out for a few minutes, I’m raising my voice and saying things I KNOW I’ll later regret. I mean, I already DO regret some things (this morning I said “When you two behave this way, you ruin mommy’s entire day! Because you’re fighting right now, I’m going to be upset all day, right until tonight, and that’s YOU’RE FAULT.”), but I actually know that I’m going to regret them AS I’m saying them and I still say it anyway. I haven’t done anything I regret, besides my words and the tone with which I’m conveying them, but sometimes words hurt worse and remain in a child’s memory much longer than anything else.
Last night, while I was giving them a bath, they were loud, splashing each other (out of anger; it wasn’t a game), soaking the entire washroom, and not listening to me when I was asking them to calm down. I repeated in my head “they’re just kids, they’re just kids, they’re just kids”, I even tried to remind myself that they’re just NORMAL kids, and that every NORMAL kid behaves this way, even once in a while, but it didn’t work. I was so frustrated and annoyed that I had tears in my eyes.
And here, I’d like to remind myself, in print, that Eirinn and Avery are absolutely not bad kids. They’re going through a phase. Their ages and learning and social development has reached a point that conflict comes fast and easy. Eirinn does things Avery wishes she could do, Avery wants to play games Eirinn has lost interest in, and neither are mature enough to know how to resolve these arguments rationally or independently. They’re six and three and both Alpha Females. Neither child will bend and take a passive role. They fight because that’s what their animal instinct tells them to do when they don’t get their own way. It’s survival and they haven’t learned yet how else to deal with their frustration. Deep down, I am both proud and extremely grateful I have two daughters who will, no doubt, be strong, strong, forces to be reckoned with and while a parent always worries about their child, these two won’t let anyone push them around. If these two can kick my ass on a daily basis before they’ve even come close to double digits, they’ll be just fine as adults.
For a few months, I had been taking Omega-3 Calm and a pretty strong B-complex because I had read it helps with mood balance. I’m not sure if it was helping or not, but it wasn’t not helping. But then, when I started having skin troubles, which began at about the time I had started with the Omega and Bs, I asked Google if they might be connected. Google told me that it wasn’t likely, but it was possible, so I stopped. Like I said, if they were helping, it wasn’t a dramatic change, so I chose the chance to look better over the chance to feel better. This is just a theory, because I tend not to go to a doctor and actually ask the advice of a well-trained professional unless I’m actively dying, but that was about two weeks ago. My skin has improved, again, not dramatically, but enough that I notice, but here we are with my mood. Obviously, something’s off. Maybe they were helping me more than I had noticed. Maybe I hadn’t noticed how much they were helping me because, before, I hadn’t had the added stress of this apparent Kill My Sister And Anyone Within Earshot phase to also deal with.
This morning I took two Omega-3 capsules and one B-complex. I’m going to take two more Omega’s with dinner. I’m going to follow the recommended dosage to the letter. After seeing and experiencing and living the choice I made, I now chose to feel better. If mental and emotional health is what I have to sacrifice to look better, then forget it. Not worth it.
We’ll see if this works. If it does, then I’ll continue doing what I’m doing. If not, then I’ll try something else. It has to get better than this.