That’s it. I’m not posting ANYTHING today. I have nothing good to say and nothing funny to plagiarise and certainly no cute pictures of my chitlins to force upon you. So I’m not going to post anything. That’s it.
I’ve had a bad couple of days, but it’s all stuff you’re not interested in hearing about. Trust me. I feel oogly, wah. My shoulder hurts mysteriously, wah. See? You don’t care.
So I’m not going to post anything today.
And don’t worry about my OCD. I haven’t even noticed that I’ve posted every single day since January 1st and that’s a pretty good record, but not good enough to throw a party about. So, you’d think not posting for one day, negating this all together, would get me all kinds of skeevy, but I’m fine. I’m a huge failure and have wasted over a month of my time, but whatevs. I’m not going to stoop to stealing LOLcat pictures just to keep the streak going. My OCD can just go on ahead and suck it up.
It took me all day to decide not to post anything, but it’s my final decision and I’m sticking to it. I hope you all can forgive me for just this one day. I promise I’ll be back tomorrow with all sorts of awesome. Sunshine and glitter and rainbow-farting unicorns. Promise.
But today? I just don’t feel like posting anything.
***
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
***
Oh, crap.
Nevermind.
Inspired by my spam filter, that overworked son-of-a-gun, who has bravely and diligently saved my in-box from well over 20,000 spam messages to date. Each part is just a tiny sampling of the dozens of emails I get in each subject.
Read Part 1 here –> Dear Russian Hookers.
Read Part 2 here –> Dear Watch Pimps.
***
Dear “Mr. Thomas Adeniran Federal Bureau of Investigation“:
Thank you for bringing to my attention the $5.8 million debt that apparently the country of Nigeria has racked up from me personally and has failed to repay. Funny, you’d think I’d remember making out a cheque of that size, especially given that I’m not often in the habit of relieving the national debt of foreign countries. Hmm. We’ll blame Mom Brain.
Let me clarify: you say that I will be able to get my money when you issue me a custom pin-based ATM card which I will use to withdraw up to $10,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it? Also with the ATM card I will be able to transfer my funds to my bank account? And the ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten me about how to use it? That sounds so simple!
Now, I’m no fool. Who exactly will be responsible for the insurance and federal tax documentations?
Oh, nevermind. I read a little further and you say that for just $100 to cover the insurance and tax, we can get the ball rolling on this little ($5.8 million) transaction? Sounds like a deal!
I appreciate you sending me a list of people who can confirm receiving their payments, along with their tracking numbers from FedEx and/or UPS. I’m a little confused as to why they would have a tracking number, given that it’s 2010 and probably the easiest way to transfer money is by wire and not in a cardboard box filled with unmarked twenties. But who am I to judge? You’re just doing your job and setting me up with some references, right?
It was also a very good idea to give me the name of the Director of Payment. This must be legit if there is a Director of Payment. And the fact that he’s a Reverend? I super-trust you now. Reverends don’t ever lie and would never try to finagle money from anyone.
And of course I will keep this transaction a secret until after payment. **wink, wink** **mouth-zip** **throw-away-imaginary-key** I’m like a vault. A bank vault, with $5.8 million coming my way. **wink**
Now, who do I send that $100 to?
Your new friend,
Jen O.
p.s. - Pretending to carbon copy the National Central Bureau of Interpol* by just typing “CC: National Central Bureau of Interpol” at the bottom of the email, makes it super official. Nice touch.
***
* Surprisingly, totally an actual real thing.
You’re just going to have to believe me that I really did use the Random Number Generator at Random.org to help me pick the winners. The screen shots didn’t work, so I have no proof, but I swear on a stack of chocolate bars that I didn’t cheat. I have no reason to cheat, so why would I bother? Not cheating is a whole lot easier on the conscience than cheating. If I were going to cheat, I’d have to pick my favourite people, and how could I do that? Picking a favourite reader would be like picking a favourite daughter and blah blah blah.
The screen shots didn’t work, so you’ll just have to believe me.
***
Winner #1 is….
Stefanie! Yay! Stefanie said:
So you think you can bribe me with chocolate bars into being funny eh? (you can) You think you can manipulate me into voting for your very cute smiling kid eh? (you can) You think you can tempt me with a description of how scrumtious they are eh? (you can) You think you can compliment me by allowing myself as a fellow Canadian to enter eh? (you can) You think you can buy my friendship eh? (you can) Well I don’t even want your yummy, delicious chocolate bars. (I do) I don’t even know how to be funny. (I’m trying) So yes, I’m being a jerk. (in a sarcastic way) and yes you WILL be responsible for my cholesterol induced stroke (no you won’t). So if you think you can read between the lines (or the brackets) then you go ahead and give me your stupid (glorious) chocolate bars. If you can’t then don’t (but really do) give them to me. I don’t care (yes I do) one way or another. I don’t give into peer pressure. (yes I do…er sometimes…depends on what it is) I don’t even like this blog anyway (yes I do). See, you can’t tell me not to be a jerk (I love you).
Stef, I’d suggest NOT sharing with anyone under the age of 18. Unless you like chasing after insane bug-eyed monkeys, peeking on a sugar-high, smearing melty chocolate fingers all over your furniture. But it’s up to you.
***
Winner #2 is…
Tracey! Woo Hoo! Tracey said:
Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice
What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.
How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can’t even fit inside the building?
You know how I know that you’re gay?
How?
You like the movie “Maid in Manhattan”.
You know how I know you’re gay?
How?
I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Eff the lemons,’ and bail
Mom! The meat loaf!
Oh, the weather outside is weather…
- I could go all day…or you could give me a chocolate bar and I’ll stop
Good job, Trace. Don’t go eating all that chocolate at once. You’ll puke. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
***
And Winner #3 is…
Sarah P! Yippie! Sarah said:
I need chocolate more than I need a front bum. And I need a front bum a lot.
**crickets**
That’s a lot of information, Sarah. I’m not sure I can help you with that. What I can do is mail you some chocolate bars and you can drown your sorrows in sugar and saturated fat.
As will become obvious in just a few short words, last night was a UFC pay per view. On the menu for the evening was chili dip, bruscetta, spinach dip with homemade pita chips and pain.
Kevin is my brother, p.s. My sister was also there, as well as my mom and dad, but usually when my sister and I banter, there are too many giggles to remember what the punchline was.
***
During a particularly vicious fight -
Me: I’m going to puke from all this blood. (which was just a joke because blood doesn’t bother me. if it did, I wouldn’t watch UFC.)
AH: Don’t think of it as blood. Think of it as strawberry juice.
Me: That’s not helping. You’re not making the blood better, you’re ruining juice.
***
Two words: The Mexicutioner.
***
AH: Why are you wearing a hood? It’s 22 degrees in here.
Me: No it’s not. It’s freezing.
AH checks the thermostat. It’s 22 degrees in here.
Me: Well, it must be broken because it’s freezing in here.
AH: You look ridiculous.
Me: Look who’s talking. You’re wearing the dog as a Snuggie.
Kevin: You could slice him open and wear him as a Russian hat? That’d keep you warm. (which, FYI courtesy of Google, is technically called an Ushanka, and apparently not commonly made from dog, so I didn’t bother with a picture example.)
***
Kevin gets a call on his cell.
AH: Is that his girlfriend? Does he have a girlfriend yet?
Me: No, no girlfriend. Not unless you count girlfriends. *snap snap snap*
***
AH: Are you sleeping?
Me: No, I only have one eye closed.
AH: Why bother?
Me: So I can fall asleep when ever I want. I’m halfway there already.
***
Kevin: What are you writing? A recipe for strawberry juice?
Me: No. Nothing. *scribble scribble scribble*
AH: Are you writing what we’re saying?
Me: Dude. I’m a blogger. I’m working.
***
And one that only those in attendance will appreciate:
Bioshock 2 bedtime stories FAIL.
It was only a matter of time. First time out.
I can haz diplomatic immunity? First begging for forgiveness.
Just taking a pee break. Two out of four legs know what they're doing. The other two are posers. First (unsuccessful) potty usage.
***
Don’t forget to enter to win Aunt Sarah’s Simply Delicious chocolate bars. Draw will be held on Monday. Contest open to all Canadian and American readers.
